We all have decisions that we have to make on a daily basis that will change the ultimate outcome of that day.
Recently, well, not really that recently as this has been a cumulative set of events, dr's appointments, months of agony and uncertainty, that have led to the ultimate decision that I have to make for my health and my well being, I've had to make a big one.
For the last 6 years, maybe a couple more, I have suffered from a couple of diagnosis that I know several of you will be familiar with. I deal with Dysmenorrhea and Menorrhagia, and add to that ovarian cysts. None of which on their own are pleasant, but add them together and you're faced with a plethora of issues that are debilitating at best and incapacitating at worst. Aside from the massive mood swings (I'm so sorry babe), and the debilitation cramps, the uncontrollable bleeding and the exhaustion that comes into play, it's just downright miserable.
I've gone through every treatment you can think of. I've undergone the hormone therapies, the pills, the injections, the IUD's..all of it. To no avail. The only options left are an uteran ablation, which is where they basically take a torch and burn the innards of your uterus so that it prevents the usual monthly acculation of blood and nutrient rich environment to welcome a fertilized egg for implantation and growth, OR a partial hysterectomy, which is the removal of my cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes. Now, those that know me know that I had a tubal ligation years ago after my third child was born. I thought I was done. I thought that train had passed. I'd pushed three beautiful, healthy, vibrant humans out of my nethers and quite frankly, I'm really freakin proud of that. It's an accomplishment that not every woman can boast.
Add to that, that since I've become a part of a family where I've welcomed and come to love two additional sons into my life, you're probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I have 5 amazing kids, I've got an amazing, supportive husband in my life who wants nothing but the best for me, what's to see my suffering end, and will support me no matter what I decide (even though the decision has really already been made). I've reached the point where every month, I lose too much blood and the rest of the month, my body tries to recover from said loss, without success. Put a long story short, I'm slowly bleeding to death; To most, this would be an easy decision. You know what, I've got 5 awesome kids, I've already had my tubes tied, a vaginal surgery, and BOOM. No more periods, no more bleeding, no more cramping, no more wishing for death every 28 days. Seems like a win win.
But not for me. See, I didn't make the decision to have my tubes tied after my youngest was born because I didn't want any more children. I made the decision because my then husband didn't want to get a vasectomy and me and hormonal therapy didn't always work so well together. So, I sucked it up, took one for the team (because at that point, I didn't see my marriage dissolving) and got my tubes tied 4 hours after the birth of my son. I wish I could take that day back, I really really do. I wish that there wasn't a part of me that wasn't working the way that I was biologically, unsurgically, designed to do.
Part of that, you may wonder, stems from the fact that I am in a new relationship. And although he has his two and I have my three, and we are in the middle of what half of America is struggling to find balance with, merging two families together into one, there is still a void.
About 4 years ago, I really started to feel the void. All my friends were getting pregnant, posting and sharing their ultrasound pictures, their first flutters, pictures of their husbands swooning over their swollen abdomens. I'm with a man now that would give heaven and earth for me and run to the store at 3 o'clock in the morning because I have a sudden and random craving for rocky road ice cream. He'd rub my swollen feet. He'd lay his head on my swollen tummy and let the baby kick him in the head. He's relish every, single, moment of that pregnancy with everything he had in him. And I would too. There's so much that I wish I could do differently.
My kids are, respectively, 14, 13, 11, 9 and 9. Why the hell would I want to start all over again. Everyone is potty trained (sorta, those with teen boys know the struggle), they're all healthy, they're all brilliant in their own ways and quite frankly, with the 5 we've got, our lives are completely full. We both work full time out of the home. We're both quite busy with work, kids, house hold junk, the like. The same stuff that families across the country deal with every single day.
And yes, I'm left fighting these emotions of guilt and apathy towards myself of what I'm giving up. Yes, I had my tubes tied so the options of having a baby now are either a tubal reversal or IVF. Neither of which are cheap. However, that does not diminish my desire, let me reiterate that for you DESIRE....D.E.S.I.R.E.....to bear a child for my husband. Maybe it's strictly biology. I don't know. I don't really care. But I dream about her all the time. Her beautiful black curls, her huge brown eyes that constantly sparkle, her sweet smile that lights up a room, her infectious laugh and her god awful stubborn streak that she would inherent from both her father and me. I dream about her all the time. She's there. She's inside me. She hasn't been made yet, but she is still THERE.
So, now comes the censure. You have 5 children who are healthy and happy. There are women across the nation that are unable to have children, who have the option taken away from them at an early phase in their life and here you are complaining about what you WANT, rather than what you need. What I need is a partial hysterectomy. What I want is one more chance. One more baby. One more pregnancy. One more.
I've felt guilty about my feelings in regards to this. But we've become so accustomed to "think about what others don't have that you do" that I'm finally calling bullshit. I'm allowed to want what I cannot have. I'm allowed to grieve the fact that "SHE" will never be. I'm allowed to be bent and twisted over having my choice taken away from me due to medical conditions that are beyond my control. I'm allowed, politically correct or not, to feel the way I feel. I feel cheated. I feel defeated. I feel robbed. I feel awful. I feel a void. And the moment that my uterus, the ONE thing that would house and nurture and protect a beautiful life for 9 months, is taken away from me, then, and only then, will I grieve the death of possibility.
I want her. I want to go through the labour pains, I want to nurse her, I want to hold her close and smell that sweet newborn smell, just once more. I want to tenderly swaddle her and watch her daddy oooh and ahh over her sweet still form as she clutches to my breast. I want to see his massive hands clutch a tiny little girl and see him fall in love like he's never fallen in love before. I want to give him that. And, yes. I want to experience every moment with him. But I can't. And I won't. It's become medically necessary for me to have that option forever removed. No matter what life brings me, no matter what this world hurls at me, more children won't be one of them.
And for that reason, I will have my moment of grief. I will have my moment of sorrow. I know, logically, that this is what is in my best interest, it's in the interest of my health. I know that logically, I do not need more children. I know that logically, this is what is medically necessary. That does not help the emotional side that has been hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for a miracle, a chance, a 'one more time'. I have to do the impossible and I have to embrace the logical side and the emotional side and let the "there there"s, and the "It's all going to be ok"s and "look at all you already have"s come my way and be OK with that.
After all is said and done.......I will say this, even though there are things that I feel are being taken away from me, I will never, not once, complain about not having the monthly visit from Aunt Flo ever again. Even if it's faint, there's a tarnished, silver lining in every situation.
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