During this period of my life, my list of friends has been reduced drastically. Not because I don't want any friends. Not at all. Quite the contrary. My life is the result of a series of events that I could not predict, anticipate or desire. But it is, to be completely cliche, what it is. I cannot change what is. I'm soon to be a new divorcee who, prior to divorce had a plethora of friends. I have my "BFF's" and my buddies. I have my let's go hang and have a few drinks, sing karaoke, and play pool friends. I had my mom friends that I would get together with and our kids would play and we'd sit back and enjoy the fact that the kids were so busy playing with someone other than their siblings and they weren't bugging US. I've had a long line of friendships that have either just disappeared or deteriorated for one reason or another. My childhood best friend is still there. We've been friends for nearly 25 years. We know, or at least used to, everything about one another. I love her, I will always love her, no matter what. The fact that we are separated by nearly 800 miles plays a huge factor in how often we see each other and how often we talk. Add to that the simple fact that we are both mom's of three and have lives that revolve around something other than each other (and trust me, when we were growing up together, our lives totally revolved around one another), we don't talk often. We trade maybe a dozen texts a year, a million 'likes' and comments on facebook surrounding our kids, emails here and there, and the once in a blue moon phone call. Those are less likely and far to infrequent. But, it is what it is. It's not something that I like to view as a biproduct of our lives, but that's just a fact. Because the truth is, we're both REALLY, REALLY busy.
But lately, I've been feeling that the only REAL connections I have with people are cyber connections. My life is split into two sections right now. When I have my kids, I live with them at my aunt and uncles house because (thanks to a lay off) I can't afford my own place yet. When I'm not with my kids, I'm with my boyfriend. Aside from missing my kids and wishing they were there, there's no place I'd rather be. When I have my kids, my days are busy from sun up, till well past sundown. I get them to school, get my butt to work, pick them up, commute across the valley, get them home, get through homework, dinner, showers, laundry, cleaning, and settling in. We have good days and a lot of bad days. It takes it out of me. I'm INSANELY blessed that my Aunt and Uncle care so much and help me with them as much as they do. However, even with their help, I'm still single mom-ing it. And it's hard. When my oldest tries to be the bossy older brother, which is constant, by the way, I have to remind him (daily) that I'm right here, I can handle it (even when I don't think I can). This is a biproduct of some unfortunate situations he's been put in, and as much as I'd like to place sole blame on another party, I know I've done it too. He's the oldest. He's almost a teenager, so I sometimes tend to lean on him for support. Often times, he's doing it without my asking. He took it upon himself to be the 'man' of the house, so to speak. Recently, I really hurt my back at work. He overheard me telling my Aunt and Uncle that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 lbs. He is constantly taking things from me, if he sees me trying to lift something, or bend over, he's right there. Taking these things on himself. Offering to help. He stepped in to help me make my bed this evening. He brought in my laptop case and ordered his brother and sister to help him carry in the groceries. He is my young man and he makes me proud on a daily basis. There will be a day that I will get to tell some young woman that she is marrying a wonderful man. My youngest is having the hardest time with the divorce and as such, he acts out fairly consistently. He's defiant, argumentative, throws tantrums, and frustrates the living hell out of me. I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that this is all a result of his inability to understand, come to terms with, and accept his mother and father divorcing. To say that it's hard on kids is an understatement. It's absolutely DEVASTATING,especially for a child his age. My daughter has had her moments, her upset tantrums and when you add to that her entering the wonderful preteen stage and all the hormones and confusion about her body, that makes things even more fun. So to say that my weeks with my kids are busy is definitely an understatement.
Then we move into my weeks without the kids. These are the weeks that I chose to try to get my requirements with work met for working closing shifts and weekend hours. Add to that, the things that I want to accomplish that every parent knows are more difficult to do after work when you have three kids to drag along with you. Errands aren't a fun thing, no matter what your situation is, but they are harder, more time consuming and stressful when you have bored kids along for the ride. What should be just a 15 minute stop at the grocery store turns into 45 minutes (if you're lucky). On top of that, the selfish part of me, which is emotionally drained and exhausted after a week of single parentdom, wants to relax a little and not meet the demands of other people. I have enough demands on my time from my kids, work and the ever present worry and stress that I field from my very distant, very concerned, family, that I really honestly, just want some time to myself. Time to spend with a man that I've fallen in love with. Although their intentions are good and their worry only stems from their love for me and my children, keeping everyone in the loop becomes a stress point that I try to avoid and only address when absolutely necessary. Divorce does not touch just the people getting the divorce, but their families as well. So even when I do not have my kids with me, my life is still not a passive existence.
Now that the information is out there, I'd like to get back to the original point. I've been told from divorce veterans what to expect and what to look out for. And so far, they've yet to be wrong. People that I once thought would never leave my life, have. Because, even though they swore sides would not be chosen, they were. Primarily because I did not speak up and tell people anything contrary to what they had already been told, which was highly edited and much information was omitted that rendered him as close to guiltless as possible. The reason I did not speak out...well, frankly, I figured that it wasn't anyone else's business. Silly me. But as a result of this, I lost a friend of nearly a decade. And before you get upset over it, and while it did crush me and hurt, I realized a very important lesson. If a decade long friendship can be that easily dissolved, then was it really that strong and valuable to the other side as it was to me? If the answer is no, then in truth, I didn't lose anything except someone who wasn't what or who they claimed to be. Other friendships have dissipated as well, but not for the reasons the previously mentioned friend. I've had a couple people tell me that I'm just not invested enough into them (which at the moment, that very well may be a true statement, but there isn't enough of me to go around and I can't be in 5 places at once), or that I'm always preoccupied (again, a very true statement), or that it appears that I don't care anymore (this is much less of a true statement, in fact, quite the opposite). Many of my old friends were/are church friends. I don't go to church anymore and therefore, I do not see these individuals. Some of them, I miss greatly.
But, I have good news. Since my return to Idaho, which I love very much, I have made some wonderful friends. Individuals that I have met along my journey here that I wouldn't trade for the world. And here's the kicker. Since they found out what I was going through while I was in the middle of it, they understand and know that I'm freakin busy. They don't hold it against me if they don't hear from me for awhile. They understand that during this time in my life, I take all the "me time" I can get because to be brutally honest, this process can and will drain the very life from you if you let it. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on your family, it's hard on your friends. All for different reasons, but it's still hard. The people that I consider to be my closest friends are more or less, new friends, that I've made in the last year and a half. They met me at my absolute worst AND THEY STILL LOVE ME. Then I have a couple old friends that have remained by my side and they too understand that my life is currently, more or less, not really my own (yet). But my list of friends used to be quite long and now, as of today, it's dwindled down to a few very meaningful, fulfilling relationships. As someone recently put it, some relationships have a shelf life. Perhaps it was just time that a few of mine expired. Depending on how you look at it, this can be either a really devastating thing, or a very freeing thing. The ones that I've lost as a result of my divorce, though at first devastating is in fact, now, very freeing. Liberating. Because if the relationship needed constant upkeep, and I don't just NOT have the extra time for that, but I also don't have the extra energy for that, then it's not a relationship that I want to maintain.
Let's put it this way. Shantale has been my best friend since we were 5 years old. We grew up like sisters. Our mothers are best friends and therefore we spent A LOT of time together. Fortunately, we clicked and we were inseparable growing up. As of today, I've not spoken to her on the phone in I don't know how long. I don't even remember the last time I texted her. We don't really chat on facebook either. But we acknowledge one anothers posts, laugh about stuff we share, keep up on one anothers lives through handy dandy facebook. And for us, it works. And when we do connect, we catch up, give our families our love, tell each other "I love you", and not once has it ever crossed my mind that she doesn't really love me. I don't HAVE to put forth much into this relationship because I don't need to. The work that went into nurturing and building this relationship was already done a couple decades ago. That doesn't mean that it couldn't die. It could. But neither of us will let it. She's my sister. And I love her, regardless of what's going on in her life or mine. And I know she feels the same way. I know that the friends that have stood by my side through this will still be there when it's all said and done.
The others?
All I can say is this: Thank you for weeding yourselves out and saving me the trouble.
But lately, I've been feeling that the only REAL connections I have with people are cyber connections. My life is split into two sections right now. When I have my kids, I live with them at my aunt and uncles house because (thanks to a lay off) I can't afford my own place yet. When I'm not with my kids, I'm with my boyfriend. Aside from missing my kids and wishing they were there, there's no place I'd rather be. When I have my kids, my days are busy from sun up, till well past sundown. I get them to school, get my butt to work, pick them up, commute across the valley, get them home, get through homework, dinner, showers, laundry, cleaning, and settling in. We have good days and a lot of bad days. It takes it out of me. I'm INSANELY blessed that my Aunt and Uncle care so much and help me with them as much as they do. However, even with their help, I'm still single mom-ing it. And it's hard. When my oldest tries to be the bossy older brother, which is constant, by the way, I have to remind him (daily) that I'm right here, I can handle it (even when I don't think I can). This is a biproduct of some unfortunate situations he's been put in, and as much as I'd like to place sole blame on another party, I know I've done it too. He's the oldest. He's almost a teenager, so I sometimes tend to lean on him for support. Often times, he's doing it without my asking. He took it upon himself to be the 'man' of the house, so to speak. Recently, I really hurt my back at work. He overheard me telling my Aunt and Uncle that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 lbs. He is constantly taking things from me, if he sees me trying to lift something, or bend over, he's right there. Taking these things on himself. Offering to help. He stepped in to help me make my bed this evening. He brought in my laptop case and ordered his brother and sister to help him carry in the groceries. He is my young man and he makes me proud on a daily basis. There will be a day that I will get to tell some young woman that she is marrying a wonderful man. My youngest is having the hardest time with the divorce and as such, he acts out fairly consistently. He's defiant, argumentative, throws tantrums, and frustrates the living hell out of me. I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that this is all a result of his inability to understand, come to terms with, and accept his mother and father divorcing. To say that it's hard on kids is an understatement. It's absolutely DEVASTATING,especially for a child his age. My daughter has had her moments, her upset tantrums and when you add to that her entering the wonderful preteen stage and all the hormones and confusion about her body, that makes things even more fun. So to say that my weeks with my kids are busy is definitely an understatement.
Then we move into my weeks without the kids. These are the weeks that I chose to try to get my requirements with work met for working closing shifts and weekend hours. Add to that, the things that I want to accomplish that every parent knows are more difficult to do after work when you have three kids to drag along with you. Errands aren't a fun thing, no matter what your situation is, but they are harder, more time consuming and stressful when you have bored kids along for the ride. What should be just a 15 minute stop at the grocery store turns into 45 minutes (if you're lucky). On top of that, the selfish part of me, which is emotionally drained and exhausted after a week of single parentdom, wants to relax a little and not meet the demands of other people. I have enough demands on my time from my kids, work and the ever present worry and stress that I field from my very distant, very concerned, family, that I really honestly, just want some time to myself. Time to spend with a man that I've fallen in love with. Although their intentions are good and their worry only stems from their love for me and my children, keeping everyone in the loop becomes a stress point that I try to avoid and only address when absolutely necessary. Divorce does not touch just the people getting the divorce, but their families as well. So even when I do not have my kids with me, my life is still not a passive existence.
Now that the information is out there, I'd like to get back to the original point. I've been told from divorce veterans what to expect and what to look out for. And so far, they've yet to be wrong. People that I once thought would never leave my life, have. Because, even though they swore sides would not be chosen, they were. Primarily because I did not speak up and tell people anything contrary to what they had already been told, which was highly edited and much information was omitted that rendered him as close to guiltless as possible. The reason I did not speak out...well, frankly, I figured that it wasn't anyone else's business. Silly me. But as a result of this, I lost a friend of nearly a decade. And before you get upset over it, and while it did crush me and hurt, I realized a very important lesson. If a decade long friendship can be that easily dissolved, then was it really that strong and valuable to the other side as it was to me? If the answer is no, then in truth, I didn't lose anything except someone who wasn't what or who they claimed to be. Other friendships have dissipated as well, but not for the reasons the previously mentioned friend. I've had a couple people tell me that I'm just not invested enough into them (which at the moment, that very well may be a true statement, but there isn't enough of me to go around and I can't be in 5 places at once), or that I'm always preoccupied (again, a very true statement), or that it appears that I don't care anymore (this is much less of a true statement, in fact, quite the opposite). Many of my old friends were/are church friends. I don't go to church anymore and therefore, I do not see these individuals. Some of them, I miss greatly.
But, I have good news. Since my return to Idaho, which I love very much, I have made some wonderful friends. Individuals that I have met along my journey here that I wouldn't trade for the world. And here's the kicker. Since they found out what I was going through while I was in the middle of it, they understand and know that I'm freakin busy. They don't hold it against me if they don't hear from me for awhile. They understand that during this time in my life, I take all the "me time" I can get because to be brutally honest, this process can and will drain the very life from you if you let it. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on your family, it's hard on your friends. All for different reasons, but it's still hard. The people that I consider to be my closest friends are more or less, new friends, that I've made in the last year and a half. They met me at my absolute worst AND THEY STILL LOVE ME. Then I have a couple old friends that have remained by my side and they too understand that my life is currently, more or less, not really my own (yet). But my list of friends used to be quite long and now, as of today, it's dwindled down to a few very meaningful, fulfilling relationships. As someone recently put it, some relationships have a shelf life. Perhaps it was just time that a few of mine expired. Depending on how you look at it, this can be either a really devastating thing, or a very freeing thing. The ones that I've lost as a result of my divorce, though at first devastating is in fact, now, very freeing. Liberating. Because if the relationship needed constant upkeep, and I don't just NOT have the extra time for that, but I also don't have the extra energy for that, then it's not a relationship that I want to maintain.
Let's put it this way. Shantale has been my best friend since we were 5 years old. We grew up like sisters. Our mothers are best friends and therefore we spent A LOT of time together. Fortunately, we clicked and we were inseparable growing up. As of today, I've not spoken to her on the phone in I don't know how long. I don't even remember the last time I texted her. We don't really chat on facebook either. But we acknowledge one anothers posts, laugh about stuff we share, keep up on one anothers lives through handy dandy facebook. And for us, it works. And when we do connect, we catch up, give our families our love, tell each other "I love you", and not once has it ever crossed my mind that she doesn't really love me. I don't HAVE to put forth much into this relationship because I don't need to. The work that went into nurturing and building this relationship was already done a couple decades ago. That doesn't mean that it couldn't die. It could. But neither of us will let it. She's my sister. And I love her, regardless of what's going on in her life or mine. And I know she feels the same way. I know that the friends that have stood by my side through this will still be there when it's all said and done.
The others?
All I can say is this: Thank you for weeding yourselves out and saving me the trouble.
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