As I mom, I screw up. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. For as many times as I get on my kids, I'm saying I'm sorry just as much. You know, for the stupid stuff. The saying "No" when in reality, there's no reason to say no, I just don't feel like dealing with it.
For instance, Sunday, Alex came into the bathroom while I was in the shower (yes, I don't lock the door because quite frankly, with only one bathroom, it's asinine to block them from using the bathroom if I'm in the shower...If I'm in there sitting on the commode, that's another story) and he asked (he ASKED) if he could have a band-aide. I'm a firm believer in waste not, want not, and after peeking through the shower curtain to see said injury that he deemed bad enough to warrant a bandage, I quickly told him he was fine and he didn't need one. It was a scuff. It wasn't bleeding. It wasn't going to make his leg fall off.
I closed the shower curtain and got back to rinsing the conditioner out of my hair and heard him sigh.
One of those sad, little, I'm not being heard and I don't count, sighs.
He didn't throw a tantrum, which have been in abundance lately, and half of them, he doesn't even realize that he's acting out because he's frustrated and confused about the situation that he finds himself in due to divorce. But just a simple, little sigh. But that sigh spoke volumes. A few seconds later, Kassie came in to use the bathroom and she was chattering about the boys outside and what they were doing. During that time, I had kind of tuned her out because I was still thinking about that sigh. As she was getting ready to leave the bathroom, still chattering and saying "Love you. Mom!" I quickly popped my head out of the curtain and told her to grab a small band-aide to take to her brother because I said no when I had no real reason to. I mumbled something about "I'm sorry I've been kind of grumpy and that's no reason for me to be short with you guys, especially over something so simple and small." She grabbed a band-aide and said "it's ok, mommy. We know you don't feel good and that your back hurts". Still no excuse, even if she's right about my back hurting. She also followed that with "I'll tell Alex you said sorry."
I say No, a lot. I get on my kids a lot. I expect perfection, and I'm hard on them. Most of the time, it's for a damn good reason. My son's grades for example. I expect perfect because I KNOW he's capable. Not because I have unrealistic standards, but because I have seen what he can do when he applies himself. So I'm always on him. I expect A's and the occasional B. I do NOT accept C's and D's as OK. Because I know he's better than that. I ride my kids about chores. My kids have a lot of chores. Not because I can't or won't do them, and certainly not because I want a spotless house. If I wanted a spotless house, they wouldn't have chores (because my way is the right way and dang it if they can't just do it the right way the first time and I wouldn't be redoing the things they've 'done'). They don't have a bunch of gadgets to occupy them. I won't allow it. They have books, drawing pads, colored pencils and crayons, coloring books, craft supplies, and a great big world outside to explore and play in. I say no to the crap junk food. And then when my son asks for a banana, I say no....why? Because one piece of fruit will ruin his dinner? No, one won't, but the other 3 he tries to sneak in will.
My kids have told me I say no "all the time". In some ways, this is correct. I do. But, I also say a lot of yes's, too. My oldest has this thing about hugs. He's always asking for hugs. My youngest is constantly asking for lap/cuddle time. My daughter is always asking me to braid her hair. She's also asking for me to color with her. My kids ask me for dinner. My kids ask me to help with homework (that has become increasingly more difficult for me to help with thanks to common core). They ask for a lot. But these things they ask for the most frequently involve nothing more than my time an affection, which I give freely and without hesitation.
I think all parents (grandparent's, aunts and uncles, etc) can all relate to the screwing things up, part. Saying No a lot, part. But for as much as I know I screw up, I know I've got to be doing something right, and I'll tell you why. I have amazing kids. Kids that I couldn't have gotten together with a mad scientist and told him I want "these traits and this personality and this eye color, etc". Kids that surpass my expectations every day, who blow my mind every day, who shower me in a kind of unconditional love that I don't deserve, every single day. No matter what. The last time I really came down on Alex a little while later, he climbed into my lap and snuggle in and heaved a huge sigh of contentment. For as hard as I am on them, only reflects my love for them. It reflects my desire to raise them to be responsible, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate, loving members of society. Yeah, I make my kids do their own laundry and clean up after themselves, make their beds, clean the bathroom, empty the dishwasher, etc. Why? So when they grow up and move out into the world on their own, they know how to do these things. So they won't be lazy and irresponsible. So they won't wash a red shirt with their white socks and underwear. So they can prepare a meal that doesn't require a microwave or adding hot water to a bowl of noodles. So yeah, I screw up and I say no, a lot.
But it's OK. Because I love them more than anything and in spite of my no's, there's even more yes's to the things that really count....And personally, I think that balances the scales.
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