Friendship is an interesting thing. We find this person and
we have something in common and we just randomly decide, yep, I like this
person. I think we'll be friends. Some friendships form over the
course of years, overcoming obstacles. I have one particular friend whom
I had to fight for our relationship. Let's just say that because of
certain social dynamics, we were forced together frequently and we are as
different in personality as we are in appearances. I'm the darker
complexion with dark eyes and hair and she's very fair with beautiful blonde
hair and blue eyes. Our personalities are just as different. I'm
the emotional, ungrounded, flighty, free spirited one. She's the
grounded, logical, centered one. But somehow, through years of talking and
struggling, something beautiful happened. We formed a friendship that I
thought would be one of those ones that I took to the grave. Not because
it came easy. I have those friendships. I have my best friend who knows
every single dark and dirty and wonderful and beautiful thing about my life,
and I know hers. She's my partner in crime. She's the one that
could destroy me but I trust explicitly. We have enough dirt on one
another that we could probably write a book and it'd get published in a heart
beat. But this previously mentioned friend and I had to literally FIGHT
to earn that friendship. Our initial differences that made it seem
impossible to form a friendship, became what made us so unique and so special.
Recently in the turbulence that is my
life, I haven't necessarily been the "best friend" that everyone
expects me to be. My personality has always been, for my friends and my
family, there is no differentiation, that if you call, I will BE THERE for you.
No excuses, no "I'm busy, I can't." Whatever it is, I
will figure out a way. I always have.
I guess I just had this unrealistic
expectation that with everything that's been going on in my life, that I
expected that my 'best friends' would understand that if I don't respond immediately,
or if some time passes before I reach out, or say anything, that they would
know, considering that even if they aren't privy to all the details, that I'm
here, I've not forgotten them or how valuable they are to me, but that things
are just really difficult right now and that my time is not always MY time.
Add to this that there is a narrative that some people are hearing that
is only one side of a story, and unfortunately for me, that side of the story
is grotesquely twisted and full of inaccuracies. I've chosen not to air
dirty laundry, to keep my life private, only those closest to me know the
truth. And this particular friend was a mutual friend, the wife of his
best friend and cousin. Essentially, not just friends, but family.
So that created another sticky situation that was difficult for me to
navigate. Just how much did this friendship surpass the family dynamic
and were they really able and capable of maintaining a friendship and
relationship with both of us, while being related to him, and I'm the ex.....?
Recently, some things have been going on
that have troubled me greatly and caused a great deal of anxiety and
frustration for not only myself, but my children as well. I decided that after
a couple months of not being actively communicative (for my own reasons, some
in my control and others not so much), to reach out and alert her to a
situation that I wasn't sure that she had been informed about. What I got
in response was a sucker punch that I never saw coming.
I'm going to edit a few things, but keep
the context true. It went something like this. Two texts. One
from me to her, and one very lengthy one from her, back to me.
"I just wanted to let you know that
if the kids have been over there recently, this lice issue has been going on
for 10 weeks now and I would encourage you to check your kids. I send
them home to him clear, they come back with new nits. I'm sorry that I haven't
been in touch, things have been really stressful and very busy, work is
demanding and my personal life is anything but stress free. I love you
both and miss you." I left it at that, and didn't hear anything back
from her until the following afternoon.
Again, I'm editing but keeping the context
true to form.
"We were told about the lice issue
but what you're saying is contrary to what he's saying about you, so it sounds
like you're not seeing eye to eye on the issue. I appreciate the concern
though. I also appreciate that you say you love and care about me but you
have not shown it at all. And I believe that there are things you've been
dishonest with me about. I think mostly you are not being honest with
yourself and are searching for something in your life...who knows what.
Maybe trying to find yourself. I do love you and care about you and
a praying for you. But it seems that you are not in a place where
you are able to offer your friendship to me. Maybe, someday that will
happen, but I don't think right now is the time for us to be friends and it
saddens me to say that, but I think you need to get things in your life figured
out before you are in a place to be my friends. Again I do wish the best
for you and you are in my prayers, I just hope you are also searching
for/with God because He loves you, will never reject or betray you and wants
good things for you. Reply on Him and He will direct your paths to great
things. I love you and wish good things for you." that's it.
Now, her response wasn't harsh, per say.
However, I find some serious flaws in it. One: she knows that I'm
in the middle of a very unpleasant divorce. I doubt she knows that he's
attempting to take my children away from me. Her husband is my ex husbands best
friend/cousin. And because of my current situation, I haven't had the
time, nor the luxury of doing anything with anyone. Even my closest
friend sees me at work in passing, but we haven't hung out in a couple months.
I don't feel like talking to people, I don't feel like answering the
endless questions on "So what's been going on in YOUR life these
days?!" And because of that, with this particular couple of friends, he's
providing all of the narrative and on top of the fact that it's missing the
other half, his half is full of lies and misinformation.
The way that text read to me was that
there were parameters to which needed to be upheld in order to be a 'good
friend'. It's interesting because, I've had one other person do this to
me. My biological grandmother did it to me too. Unless you put
forth the majority of the efforts, she wouldn't say anything to you. One
day, years ago, I got a package from her with every piece of artwork and letter
and picture that my mother and I had sent her since I was a little kid.
This hurt worse. Because I wasn't close to my biological fathers
mother. I was close to my friend. At least I thought. I
thought I was close enough to her that she would understand that I'm not
readily available at the present time. That I'm riding out the storm of
my life and that her husbands best friend takes pleasure in making my life
miserable and using my children against me. I know she doesn't know the
things he's done to me. I know she's unaware that he's hurt me, again. That
he's grabbed me hard enough to bruise me. He tells the pity me part,
leaving out the parts that paint him as the narcissist that he is.
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