I originally wrote this in January of 2011
I often wonder at the emotional capacity of children. They love without stipulations. They laugh without hesitation. They trust without question. They forgive quickly and really do forget. It's almost like they possess super powers. They have all of these emotional abilities that adults don't. We somehow forget. My son's most amazing emotional superpower?
The ability to forgive his mother.
A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault. And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again. For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said. It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had. In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated. Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework. Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done. Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done. Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time. While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem. It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help. With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up. That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration. But what came next--now that puts me to shame. I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight". I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom." I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated. It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me. I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him. After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God. I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him. And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children. I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children. I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.
Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did. I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child, or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME". And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me. Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on. We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with. This is our chance to change that. To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are. Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone. Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream. Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school. Someone they came come to when they need help with a project. Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart. someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.
Someone they can trust will always have time for them.
I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back. But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me. It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible. But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.
A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault. And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again. For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said. It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had. In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated. Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework. Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done. Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done. Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time. While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem. It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help. With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up. That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration. But what came next--now that puts me to shame. I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight". I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom." I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated. It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me. I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him. After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God. I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him. And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children. I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children. I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.
Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did. I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child, or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME". And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me. Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on. We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with. This is our chance to change that. To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are. Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone. Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream. Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school. Someone they came come to when they need help with a project. Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart. someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.
Someone they can trust will always have time for them.
I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back. But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me. It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible. But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.
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