By the Wayside

She stands to the side,

cast away

neglected like a disliked chore.

She watches by the wayside,

as her once hero

becomes a distant shadow.

She hopes from the forgotten,

that he will turn around

and see her again.

Standing there, by the wayside

forgotten, but still hopeful,

that her daddy

will turn around. 

Life Really is Simple

Not really, but it sounds nice.

But, in truth, life is only as complicated as we allow it to be.  In saying that, and before your blood pressure rises, allow me to explain.  Life is only as complicated as we allow it to be because we are the ones who are in control of our stressors.   Again, let me explain. We are not in control of what stressors we encounter, but we are in control what how we allow that to effect us.  I have plenty in my life that causes stress. But I have a choice and a very important one at that.  My choice is how I'm going to allow them to affect my personal output.  For example, today is day two into my personal 3 day weekend in which I cashed in PTO for.  However, because of certain circumstances that arose, I found myself at work resolving a few issues that had arisen because as the manager, I am the only one who is able to resolve these issues.  Now, I could (and did) find myself highly annoyed at the fact that I'm at work on my day off fixing shit that shouldn't even be an issue to begin with, or realize that, hey, this kind of stuff happens and although it annoyed(s) me, I can either let that ruin my afternoon which had up until that moment been a very pleasant and enjoyable afternoon filled with zero stress, OR I could allow myself to embrace the mantra that I've been striving for: things happen.  You don't always have control over the "things" that happen, but you DO have complete control over how you allow them to effect you.  So, instead of allowing this hiccup in my much deserved 3 day weekend, I let it roll.  I've spent a lot of time over the last year letting things roll because I have zero control over the situation at hand.  I was at the mercy of the universe, so to speak.  And by universe, I mean the bullshit that I had to tolerate at the hands and actions of other people that I could not control.  Much of which had to do with divorce, bankruptcy, and other's being in control of when I could and could not see my children.  Much has changed since then and I now have a more measurable gauge of control over the situation.  There is still a lot that is not in my control and there are things that I have a small measure of control and then there are plenty of things that I have complete control over.  Mainly, how I respond to things beyond my control.  I have two very simple choices.  I can either get completely twisted over the things beyond my control, or I can take a deep breath (whoosaaaaaaaaa) and let it go.  In learning to let go, I've allowed myself to be free of the things that burden others.  These things, petty, small, insignificant in light of other issues (matters of perception), are all things that when held onto, have a direct effect on my personal well being.

In truth,  we really are at the mercy of other peoples actions and choices on a daily basis.  But my point is very simple.  Our choice is very simple on how we allow that to directly effect us.  Our output, future reactions to other people, how we feel (emotionally and physically) and how we allow that influence to impact the perception that we will carry for the rest of our day.

Life is not easy.  But our choices are.  We can either allow others to impact us on a daily basis because of their poor choices, poor planning, poor judgement, poor attitude (they really can blame it on anything they want...I.E. such drama queens that I'm surprised that they don't come with their own outline chalk), but they are all excuses.  Every  single one of them.

I spent years of my life being the "see the silver lining in every situation" kind of girl.  Through certain circumstances beyond my control, I found myself becoming much more cynical.   More and more less trusting of the things that I used to trust without question.  Not all of that is bad mind you.  I trusted many people that I shouldn't have.  Always thinking the best of people, WANTING to believe that people were inherently good. (Phew for growing up ;))  I'm glad to say that I've become a better judge of character in the last few years, but best of all, the lesson I've taken MOST to heart is this: I AM NOT SUBJECT TO OWNING OTHER'S BULLSHIT.

So, part of this started as something worth reading and then it turned into a little bit of a rant.

You're either going to take something from this or you're not.  What I hope that some random reader will get from this is a little inspiration.  You know the things that you take in and hold onto that don't belong to you.  That has no business taking up space in your mind and in you heart.  Things that have no business being within you. You have that power.  You have that authority.  You have the right to say No, I'm not going to let this take up the space in my mind...I've got my kids, my relationship, my career, my wellness, my LIFE, to take up this space.

So, regardless of whether this was a rant or something else entirely, I hope that someone, somewhere, takes something from personal experience and runs with it.  Because, quite frankly, we don't have time to be wasting on other peoples bullshit.

The Child that Forgives

I originally wrote this in January of 2011

The Child That Forgives

 I often wonder at the emotional capacity of children.  They love without stipulations.  They laugh without hesitation.  They trust without question.  They forgive quickly and really do forget.  It's almost like they possess super powers.  They have all of these emotional abilities that adults don't.  We somehow forget.  My son's most amazing emotional superpower?

The ability to forgive his mother.

A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault.  And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again.  For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said.  It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had.  In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated.  Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework.  Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done.  Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done.  Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time.  While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem.  It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help.  With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up.  That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration.  But what came next--now that puts me to shame.  I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight".  I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom."  I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there.  But I didn't.  Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated.  It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me.  I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him.  After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God.  I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him.  And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children.  I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children.  I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.

Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did.  I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child,  or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME".  And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me.  Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on.  We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with.  This is our chance to change that.  To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are.  Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone.  Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream.  Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school.  Someone they came come to when they need help with a project.  Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart.  someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.

Someone they can trust will always have time for them.

I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back.  But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me.  It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible.  But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.