I always find myself in a very odd mood when the urge to write hits. And the thing is, I never know what I'm going to write. Only that it's soothing and somewhat therapeutic to the soul to get things out on paper. Or screen, in this case. My life has been a series of jumps and hurdles, lows and highs, obstacles and the ever elusive "straight aways". Every time I thought I could breathe a little, take a moment and go "ahhh, yes, this is it", everything would come crashing down, whether it was an unexpected bill, the irony of a lay off, fighting the unemployment office, a tiff, an illness, an unexpected bad doctors visit...It didn't seem to matter. Every turn turned into me having to put up arms again. I'm not a survivor. I'm a roll with the punches girl, because this too shall pass right? But, holy damn. How many "this too shall pass" scenarios have to roll by before you finally say "NO MORE!"
I don't have the answer to that because I'm still rolling with the punches, just in a different way now.
My life, your life, they all revolve around a series of choices. Do I go to work today? Do I have the chocolate caramel creamer with my coffee? Or the Almond Joy? Should I wear THESE pants to this interview? Or the skirt and pumps? Do I really want that 300 calorie bag of chips? They sure look tasty.
If I don't go to work today, I don't get paid. If I have the almond joy versus the caramel, I can have the caramel tomorrow. If I wear the pants to the interview, I will be warmer and more comfortable. If I wear the skirt, I may come across like I'm trying too hard for the job, especially if I'm interviewing with a man. Screw the 300 calories. Those chips are delicious.
If I don't go to work today, I can hang out, get some chores done, run some errands, visit, etc. Make it a fun day.... CHOCOLATE CREAMER! HOW AWESOME is THAT?! Screw the pants!! My legs look awesome in a skirt and pumps! ROCK IT! 300 calories for a small bag of chips? I've worked hard to be where I'm at....I can afford the indulgence.
In the time that it took me to write that, I decided that I'm having heath bar creamer in my coffee in the morning and I am definitely not going to look forward to work, but not for the reasons you may think. I will miss spending time with my family. But that's resolvable.
My life does not take on a linear time line view . It looks more like a family tree graph than a line. See, I made choices. Choices that have affected not just me, but many people that I care about greatly. My choices weren't as trivial or mundane as what creamer to put in my coffee (I do really bad with choices, usually, especially food stuffs). My choices involved leaving my husband, living homeless rather than under the roof of people who hated my very existence, constantly exposing my children to fighting and hatred, living in my car versus the women and childrens shelter, living with a friend but not being able to have my kids there, Staying here with no family support or leaving my children and going to Alabama to have said family support.....I chose to stay put. I chose my kids. I chose to stand on my own rather than be dictated by anyone other than myself. I chose to fight, tooth and nail, for my kids. Because they need both their mom and their dad. I chose to try not to hate. I was angry. Seethingly (is that a word? if not, I'm making it one) angry. I was hurt and hurt is the largest catalyst to anger. I found solace in places that I shouldn't have. I found myself in places that I never used to go. It was short lived. There are parts that I wish never happened and then there are parts that I'm reluctant to let go of. Because today is a new day. Tomorrow is not yet made. I can live in guilt, which cannot and will not change the past, or I can face tomorrow head on, knowing that I made my choices, not all of them good, not all of them bad. Not all of them reconcilable, but not all of them necessary to do so. But I can face my tomorrow with the confidence that I'll get to make more choices. (I-84 or Fairview to work?) I'm confident that my choices won't stop me from living. I get to make the choice that all of my yesterdays are done but all of my tomorrows are yet unwritten and I get to personally pen them. So tomorrow....is not here. But I promise it's going to be a good one. Because I can. Because I choose.
I choose happiness. I choose not to dwell on the things that I cannot control or change. I choose not to be anxious about things to come because most of them I cannot control. I choose not to be angry. I choose to love. Unconditionally. I choose to be ME. Without regret, remorse or apology. I choose to thrive, regardless of what shit life decides to throw at me. Besides, life hits like a bitch and I have a wicked right hook.
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