By the Wayside

She stands to the side,

cast away

neglected like a disliked chore.

She watches by the wayside,

as her once hero

becomes a distant shadow.

She hopes from the forgotten,

that he will turn around

and see her again.

Standing there, by the wayside

forgotten, but still hopeful,

that her daddy

will turn around. 

Life Really is Simple

Not really, but it sounds nice.

But, in truth, life is only as complicated as we allow it to be.  In saying that, and before your blood pressure rises, allow me to explain.  Life is only as complicated as we allow it to be because we are the ones who are in control of our stressors.   Again, let me explain. We are not in control of what stressors we encounter, but we are in control what how we allow that to effect us.  I have plenty in my life that causes stress. But I have a choice and a very important one at that.  My choice is how I'm going to allow them to affect my personal output.  For example, today is day two into my personal 3 day weekend in which I cashed in PTO for.  However, because of certain circumstances that arose, I found myself at work resolving a few issues that had arisen because as the manager, I am the only one who is able to resolve these issues.  Now, I could (and did) find myself highly annoyed at the fact that I'm at work on my day off fixing shit that shouldn't even be an issue to begin with, or realize that, hey, this kind of stuff happens and although it annoyed(s) me, I can either let that ruin my afternoon which had up until that moment been a very pleasant and enjoyable afternoon filled with zero stress, OR I could allow myself to embrace the mantra that I've been striving for: things happen.  You don't always have control over the "things" that happen, but you DO have complete control over how you allow them to effect you.  So, instead of allowing this hiccup in my much deserved 3 day weekend, I let it roll.  I've spent a lot of time over the last year letting things roll because I have zero control over the situation at hand.  I was at the mercy of the universe, so to speak.  And by universe, I mean the bullshit that I had to tolerate at the hands and actions of other people that I could not control.  Much of which had to do with divorce, bankruptcy, and other's being in control of when I could and could not see my children.  Much has changed since then and I now have a more measurable gauge of control over the situation.  There is still a lot that is not in my control and there are things that I have a small measure of control and then there are plenty of things that I have complete control over.  Mainly, how I respond to things beyond my control.  I have two very simple choices.  I can either get completely twisted over the things beyond my control, or I can take a deep breath (whoosaaaaaaaaa) and let it go.  In learning to let go, I've allowed myself to be free of the things that burden others.  These things, petty, small, insignificant in light of other issues (matters of perception), are all things that when held onto, have a direct effect on my personal well being.

In truth,  we really are at the mercy of other peoples actions and choices on a daily basis.  But my point is very simple.  Our choice is very simple on how we allow that to directly effect us.  Our output, future reactions to other people, how we feel (emotionally and physically) and how we allow that influence to impact the perception that we will carry for the rest of our day.

Life is not easy.  But our choices are.  We can either allow others to impact us on a daily basis because of their poor choices, poor planning, poor judgement, poor attitude (they really can blame it on anything they want...I.E. such drama queens that I'm surprised that they don't come with their own outline chalk), but they are all excuses.  Every  single one of them.

I spent years of my life being the "see the silver lining in every situation" kind of girl.  Through certain circumstances beyond my control, I found myself becoming much more cynical.   More and more less trusting of the things that I used to trust without question.  Not all of that is bad mind you.  I trusted many people that I shouldn't have.  Always thinking the best of people, WANTING to believe that people were inherently good. (Phew for growing up ;))  I'm glad to say that I've become a better judge of character in the last few years, but best of all, the lesson I've taken MOST to heart is this: I AM NOT SUBJECT TO OWNING OTHER'S BULLSHIT.

So, part of this started as something worth reading and then it turned into a little bit of a rant.

You're either going to take something from this or you're not.  What I hope that some random reader will get from this is a little inspiration.  You know the things that you take in and hold onto that don't belong to you.  That has no business taking up space in your mind and in you heart.  Things that have no business being within you. You have that power.  You have that authority.  You have the right to say No, I'm not going to let this take up the space in my mind...I've got my kids, my relationship, my career, my wellness, my LIFE, to take up this space.

So, regardless of whether this was a rant or something else entirely, I hope that someone, somewhere, takes something from personal experience and runs with it.  Because, quite frankly, we don't have time to be wasting on other peoples bullshit.

The Child that Forgives

I originally wrote this in January of 2011

The Child That Forgives

 I often wonder at the emotional capacity of children.  They love without stipulations.  They laugh without hesitation.  They trust without question.  They forgive quickly and really do forget.  It's almost like they possess super powers.  They have all of these emotional abilities that adults don't.  We somehow forget.  My son's most amazing emotional superpower?

The ability to forgive his mother.

A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault.  And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again.  For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said.  It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had.  In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated.  Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework.  Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done.  Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done.  Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time.  While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem.  It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help.  With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up.  That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration.  But what came next--now that puts me to shame.  I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight".  I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom."  I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there.  But I didn't.  Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated.  It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me.  I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him.  After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God.  I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him.  And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children.  I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children.  I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.

Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did.  I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child,  or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME".  And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me.  Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on.  We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with.  This is our chance to change that.  To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are.  Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone.  Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream.  Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school.  Someone they came come to when they need help with a project.  Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart.  someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.

Someone they can trust will always have time for them.

I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back.  But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me.  It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible.  But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.

A Simple Derchduka

This morning, I laid in bed after getting up to get on my son for yelling at his siblings and calling them stupid.  My thoughts drifted to the fact that he's going to be 8 years old in 3 days.  My mind drifted to talking to your mom last week about his birthday.  Because you see, this is something you'll never know.  You killed yourself the day he turned 6.  As I started to remember and relive that day, I started to cry.

I was alone that morning.  I was sitting on the edge of my bed, putting my shoes on when my sister called me.
She called me because my mother couldn't.  She called me to tell me 3 words that sent me into shock.
"Chris is dead".

 At first my mind could not, would not, comprehend what she had just said to me.

 I had to ask her "What?" and she said through a cracked voice, "Chris is dead.  He overdosed."

I sat in stunned silence for an eternity.  Trapped in my mind.  At first I couldn't think.  It was just stalled with unwanted knowledge.  Knowledge that our family had just lost someone.
Someone special.
Someone unique.
Someone brilliant.
Someone gifted and talented.

Someone loved.  

As I sat there after I hung up the phone, my mind started to roll at a slow keel, in slow motion.  To you, us, growing up.  A flood of memories washed upon my minds eye like an ocean wave hitting a beach.  The impact of images that flashed across my eyes were of laughing children.  Constantly getting in trouble.  I followed you everywhere.  I looked up to you.  I annoyed you.  I mixed up your legos on purpose because you made me mad.  I rubbed your sheets down with a wet wash cloth taken to Skipper because you'd gotten me in trouble for something you'd participated in but cast the blame solely on me.  You broke out in hives everywhere and grandma couldn't figure out why.  You helped me get down from the tree in grandma and grandpas yard because I was scared.

"Just trust me, I will catch you!!"

You did.

That morning, it was a Monday morning.  I had talked to you on the phone just two days before that.  Saturday afternoon.  You had been searching for another place to live in the LA area and I had gone through all my resources to find someone I knew down there that may have a place for you to stay temporarily.  I tried, but my options were limited.  You asked if I was sure there wasn't anything else.  I told you to grow a pair, man up and fix the problem that you had created.  You said you understood and thanks for trying anyway.

That was our last conversation.

It was Alex's birthday.   But it suddenly changed.  Because now, it's also the anniversary of your death.  In three days, it will be two years since you left us.

I got up and poured myself a cup of tea.  Went out onto the balcony and started going through my phone.  I had yet to cry.  I started making phone calls.  To our childhood friends.  Word would spread, undoubtedly.  But some of them, I didn't want them to hear it through the grapevine.  I wanted them to know, since they'd known us their whole lives, to hear it from me.  I called Annie first.  Though the following conversations, I still shed no tears.  I did what I needed to do that day, contacting people, talking to people.  Communicating with our family.  It wasn't until that night that the dams burst and I wept.

You see, you didn't leave our hearts and our minds.  You only left the physical realm of the world.  In my mind and my heart, you're still alive.  Your laugh and smile.  Your music.

Your face will not fade from me, ever.  I was lucky.  I have all these memories of you that won't ever go away and they will not fade with time.  Racing our bikes down the hill (you always cheated).  Camping with grandma and grandpa.  The Zoo.  Pathfinders.  Trying to catch the kitchen curtains on fire.  Showing me the speed you got from Elory and me being so afraid that I told Uncle Rob.  I didn't want you to hurt yourself.  You told me once that I couldn't keep a secret.  I kept tons of your secrets.  I have a bunch of stuff in my mind that will never go anywhere.

I want you to know that I cleared out the stuff that you wouldn't want anyone to see.  No one laid eyes on it but me.

I want you to know that I miss you.  That I wish 30 hadn't been it for you.

I want you to know that I will forever remember you as my big brother, my cousin, my friend.  You protected me at times, got me in trouble others.  But we grew up as siblings.  We were the first grandkids and we went everywhere with grandma and grandpa together.  We got in so much trouble.  But we had so much fun, too.  You'll live forever in the minds and hearts of those that love you.

 People won't remember what you did, they will remember how you made them feel.
You made me feel light, music, joy, sadness, anger, love.  You made me feel family.  YOU made me feel special.

Rest in Peace, Chris.   I love you.

Midnight Ramblings

I always find myself in a very odd mood when the urge to write hits.  And the thing is, I never know what I'm going to write.  Only that it's soothing and somewhat therapeutic to the soul to get things out on paper.  Or screen, in this case.  My life has been a series of jumps and hurdles, lows and highs, obstacles and the ever elusive "straight aways".  Every time I thought I could breathe a little, take a moment and go "ahhh, yes, this is it", everything would come crashing down, whether it was an unexpected bill, the irony of a lay off, fighting the unemployment office, a tiff, an illness, an unexpected bad doctors visit...It didn't seem to matter.  Every turn turned into me having to put up arms again.  I'm not a survivor.  I'm a roll with the punches girl, because this too shall pass right?  But, holy damn.  How many "this too shall pass" scenarios have to roll by before you finally say "NO MORE!"

I don't have the answer to that because I'm still rolling with the punches, just in a different way now.

My life, your life, they all revolve around a series of choices.  Do I go to work today?  Do I have the chocolate caramel creamer with my coffee?  Or the Almond Joy?  Should I wear THESE pants to this interview?  Or the skirt and pumps?  Do I really want that 300 calorie bag of chips?  They sure look tasty.
If I don't go to work today, I don't get paid.  If I have the almond joy versus the caramel, I can have the caramel tomorrow.  If I wear the pants to the interview, I will be warmer and more comfortable. If I wear the skirt, I may come across like I'm trying too hard for the job, especially if I'm interviewing with a man.  Screw the 300 calories.  Those chips are delicious.

If I don't go to work today, I can hang out, get some chores done, run some errands, visit, etc.  Make it a fun day....  CHOCOLATE CREAMER!  HOW AWESOME is THAT?!  Screw the pants!! My legs look awesome in a skirt and pumps!  ROCK IT!  300 calories for a small bag of chips?  I've worked hard to be where I'm at....I can afford the indulgence.

In the time that it took me to write that, I decided that I'm having heath bar creamer in my coffee in the morning and I am definitely not going to look forward to work, but not for the reasons you may think.  I will miss spending time with my family.  But that's resolvable.

My life does not take on a linear time line view .  It looks more like a family tree graph than a line.  See, I made choices.  Choices that have affected not just me, but many people that I care about greatly.  My choices weren't as trivial or mundane as what creamer to put in my coffee (I do really bad with choices, usually, especially food stuffs).  My choices involved leaving my husband, living homeless rather than under the roof of people who hated my very existence, constantly exposing my children to fighting and hatred, living in my car versus the women and childrens shelter, living with a friend but not being able to have my kids there, Staying here with no family support or leaving my children and going to Alabama to have said family support.....I chose to stay put.  I chose my kids.  I chose to stand on my own rather than be dictated by anyone other than myself.  I chose to fight, tooth and nail, for my kids.  Because they need both their mom and their dad.  I chose to try not to hate.  I was angry.  Seethingly (is that a word?  if not, I'm making it one) angry.  I was hurt and hurt is the largest catalyst to anger.  I found solace in places that I shouldn't have.  I found myself in places that I never used to go.  It was short lived.  There are parts that I wish never happened and then there are parts that I'm reluctant to let go of.  Because today is a new day. Tomorrow is not yet made.  I can live in guilt, which cannot and will not change the past, or I can face tomorrow head on, knowing that I made my choices, not all of them good, not all of them bad.  Not all of them reconcilable, but not all of them necessary to do so.  But I can face my tomorrow with the confidence that I'll get to make more choices.  (I-84 or Fairview to work?)  I'm confident that my choices won't stop me from living.  I get to make the choice that all of my yesterdays are done but all of my tomorrows are yet unwritten and I get to personally pen them.    So tomorrow....is not here.  But I promise it's going to be a good one.  Because I can.  Because I choose.

I choose happiness.  I choose not to dwell on the things that I cannot control or change. I choose not to be anxious about things to come because most of them I cannot control.  I choose not to be angry.  I choose to love.  Unconditionally.  I  choose to be ME.  Without regret, remorse or apology.  I choose to thrive, regardless of what shit life decides to throw at me.  Besides, life hits like a bitch and I have a wicked right hook.