Self Destruction

When I look around my house, I see the evidence of children everywhere. And this isn't the sentimental crap that I see. It's the obvious evidence of thoughtlessness and a desire to just screw stuff up. The only thing of mass destruction I really remember when I was a kid, I did with the aide of my grandfather, so my punishment was rather lax compared to how it would have be otherwise. He and I were throwing his squishy hand exorcise ball back and forth and I threw it and he missed and it shattered 4 out of 6 of my grandmothers crystal coasters. What would have normally ended in death, instead ended with a firm tongue thrashing.
However, my kids seem to be a million times more destructive than I used to be (or at least remember being). So, I have determined that when they grow up, before they have their own kids and the mothers curse is passed on to them, I will go live in their houses and be a living hell. Here are the things I want to do to the first house my children own when they grow up:

1) Color on the TV screen with crayons

2) Dump nail polish onto the carpet

3) Paint nail polish onto favourite sheets

4) Colour white carpet with blue and red crayons, pencils markers

5) Colour on every wall possible with permanent markers

6) Put holes into walls and then put stuff in them

7) Dump honey, agave, or syrup onto the carpet and then massage it into the carpet for good measure

8) Pull out electrical sockets halfway and then cry uncontrollably when I get shocked minorly

9) Rip off the garage door with the lift gate of a vehicle, nearly ripping off the lift gate while completely destroying the garage door

10) Tear wallpaper

11) Cut up a favourite article of clothing (expensive)

12) Squirt hot sauce on the dining room walls

13) Destroy Styrofoam packing bricks and spread the static little pieces of death around the house

14) Pee on the bathroom floor and laugh

15) Flood bathroom and hallway by just ignoring the running water in the bathtub and watching the waterfall

16) Dump 2 bottles of shampoo out in the bathtub so when they turn on the shower, it bubbles uncontrollably

17) Shove the handle of a spoon into a USB port on their computer

18) destroy 90% of their DVD's, games and CD's by taking every single one out of their cases and then using them as skates on gravel

19) When they buy new glasses, open the kitchen cupboard and break all but 2 glasses

20) Feed their dog an entire bottle of paprika

21) After they have washed all my clothes, folded them and put them away, take every single article of clothing out of the drawers and throw them on the floor, let the dogs drool, roll around, and pee on them and then put them back in the laundry to be washed the very same day.

22) Throw mud balls on the house

23) crush cheerios and rice crispies into the couch

24) Spill every drink known to man on the ivory carpet

25) Throw balls in the house and break anything pretty they might own

26) spray an entire bottle of pledge dusting spray onto the recliner

27) Squeeze a tube of toothpaste onto the counter and then play in it, while staining the counter and the clothes I borrowed to protect my own.

28) Cut cords with scissors

29) dump a box of chex onto the kitchen floor and stomp on them

30) Dump a candles hot wax onto the dining room table and then play with it.

.....because all this will-somehow- make them better people.....

This is just a partial list. It will grow I'm sure, over time. Especially since my kids are yet to be grown. But I'm already daydreaming about the kind of damage I can do to their houses some day. Amazing.