We all have decisions that we have to make on a daily basis that will change the ultimate outcome of that day.
Recently, well, not really that recently as this has been a cumulative set of events, dr's appointments, months of agony and uncertainty, that have led to the ultimate decision that I have to make for my health and my well being, I've had to make a big one.
For the last 6 years, maybe a couple more, I have suffered from a couple of diagnosis that I know several of you will be familiar with. I deal with Dysmenorrhea and Menorrhagia, and add to that ovarian cysts. None of which on their own are pleasant, but add them together and you're faced with a plethora of issues that are debilitating at best and incapacitating at worst. Aside from the massive mood swings (I'm so sorry babe), and the debilitation cramps, the uncontrollable bleeding and the exhaustion that comes into play, it's just downright miserable.
I've gone through every treatment you can think of. I've undergone the hormone therapies, the pills, the injections, the IUD's..all of it. To no avail. The only options left are an uteran ablation, which is where they basically take a torch and burn the innards of your uterus so that it prevents the usual monthly acculation of blood and nutrient rich environment to welcome a fertilized egg for implantation and growth, OR a partial hysterectomy, which is the removal of my cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes. Now, those that know me know that I had a tubal ligation years ago after my third child was born. I thought I was done. I thought that train had passed. I'd pushed three beautiful, healthy, vibrant humans out of my nethers and quite frankly, I'm really freakin proud of that. It's an accomplishment that not every woman can boast.
Add to that, that since I've become a part of a family where I've welcomed and come to love two additional sons into my life, you're probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I have 5 amazing kids, I've got an amazing, supportive husband in my life who wants nothing but the best for me, what's to see my suffering end, and will support me no matter what I decide (even though the decision has really already been made). I've reached the point where every month, I lose too much blood and the rest of the month, my body tries to recover from said loss, without success. Put a long story short, I'm slowly bleeding to death; To most, this would be an easy decision. You know what, I've got 5 awesome kids, I've already had my tubes tied, a vaginal surgery, and BOOM. No more periods, no more bleeding, no more cramping, no more wishing for death every 28 days. Seems like a win win.
But not for me. See, I didn't make the decision to have my tubes tied after my youngest was born because I didn't want any more children. I made the decision because my then husband didn't want to get a vasectomy and me and hormonal therapy didn't always work so well together. So, I sucked it up, took one for the team (because at that point, I didn't see my marriage dissolving) and got my tubes tied 4 hours after the birth of my son. I wish I could take that day back, I really really do. I wish that there wasn't a part of me that wasn't working the way that I was biologically, unsurgically, designed to do.
Part of that, you may wonder, stems from the fact that I am in a new relationship. And although he has his two and I have my three, and we are in the middle of what half of America is struggling to find balance with, merging two families together into one, there is still a void.
About 4 years ago, I really started to feel the void. All my friends were getting pregnant, posting and sharing their ultrasound pictures, their first flutters, pictures of their husbands swooning over their swollen abdomens. I'm with a man now that would give heaven and earth for me and run to the store at 3 o'clock in the morning because I have a sudden and random craving for rocky road ice cream. He'd rub my swollen feet. He'd lay his head on my swollen tummy and let the baby kick him in the head. He's relish every, single, moment of that pregnancy with everything he had in him. And I would too. There's so much that I wish I could do differently.
My kids are, respectively, 14, 13, 11, 9 and 9. Why the hell would I want to start all over again. Everyone is potty trained (sorta, those with teen boys know the struggle), they're all healthy, they're all brilliant in their own ways and quite frankly, with the 5 we've got, our lives are completely full. We both work full time out of the home. We're both quite busy with work, kids, house hold junk, the like. The same stuff that families across the country deal with every single day.
And yes, I'm left fighting these emotions of guilt and apathy towards myself of what I'm giving up. Yes, I had my tubes tied so the options of having a baby now are either a tubal reversal or IVF. Neither of which are cheap. However, that does not diminish my desire, let me reiterate that for you DESIRE....D.E.S.I.R.E.....to bear a child for my husband. Maybe it's strictly biology. I don't know. I don't really care. But I dream about her all the time. Her beautiful black curls, her huge brown eyes that constantly sparkle, her sweet smile that lights up a room, her infectious laugh and her god awful stubborn streak that she would inherent from both her father and me. I dream about her all the time. She's there. She's inside me. She hasn't been made yet, but she is still THERE.
So, now comes the censure. You have 5 children who are healthy and happy. There are women across the nation that are unable to have children, who have the option taken away from them at an early phase in their life and here you are complaining about what you WANT, rather than what you need. What I need is a partial hysterectomy. What I want is one more chance. One more baby. One more pregnancy. One more.
I've felt guilty about my feelings in regards to this. But we've become so accustomed to "think about what others don't have that you do" that I'm finally calling bullshit. I'm allowed to want what I cannot have. I'm allowed to grieve the fact that "SHE" will never be. I'm allowed to be bent and twisted over having my choice taken away from me due to medical conditions that are beyond my control. I'm allowed, politically correct or not, to feel the way I feel. I feel cheated. I feel defeated. I feel robbed. I feel awful. I feel a void. And the moment that my uterus, the ONE thing that would house and nurture and protect a beautiful life for 9 months, is taken away from me, then, and only then, will I grieve the death of possibility.
I want her. I want to go through the labour pains, I want to nurse her, I want to hold her close and smell that sweet newborn smell, just once more. I want to tenderly swaddle her and watch her daddy oooh and ahh over her sweet still form as she clutches to my breast. I want to see his massive hands clutch a tiny little girl and see him fall in love like he's never fallen in love before. I want to give him that. And, yes. I want to experience every moment with him. But I can't. And I won't. It's become medically necessary for me to have that option forever removed. No matter what life brings me, no matter what this world hurls at me, more children won't be one of them.
And for that reason, I will have my moment of grief. I will have my moment of sorrow. I know, logically, that this is what is in my best interest, it's in the interest of my health. I know that logically, I do not need more children. I know that logically, this is what is medically necessary. That does not help the emotional side that has been hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for a miracle, a chance, a 'one more time'. I have to do the impossible and I have to embrace the logical side and the emotional side and let the "there there"s, and the "It's all going to be ok"s and "look at all you already have"s come my way and be OK with that.
After all is said and done.......I will say this, even though there are things that I feel are being taken away from me, I will never, not once, complain about not having the monthly visit from Aunt Flo ever again. Even if it's faint, there's a tarnished, silver lining in every situation.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
As a Mom, I Say No...A LOT
As I mom, I screw up. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. For as many times as I get on my kids, I'm saying I'm sorry just as much. You know, for the stupid stuff. The saying "No" when in reality, there's no reason to say no, I just don't feel like dealing with it.
For instance, Sunday, Alex came into the bathroom while I was in the shower (yes, I don't lock the door because quite frankly, with only one bathroom, it's asinine to block them from using the bathroom if I'm in the shower...If I'm in there sitting on the commode, that's another story) and he asked (he ASKED) if he could have a band-aide. I'm a firm believer in waste not, want not, and after peeking through the shower curtain to see said injury that he deemed bad enough to warrant a bandage, I quickly told him he was fine and he didn't need one. It was a scuff. It wasn't bleeding. It wasn't going to make his leg fall off.
I closed the shower curtain and got back to rinsing the conditioner out of my hair and heard him sigh.
One of those sad, little, I'm not being heard and I don't count, sighs.
He didn't throw a tantrum, which have been in abundance lately, and half of them, he doesn't even realize that he's acting out because he's frustrated and confused about the situation that he finds himself in due to divorce. But just a simple, little sigh. But that sigh spoke volumes. A few seconds later, Kassie came in to use the bathroom and she was chattering about the boys outside and what they were doing. During that time, I had kind of tuned her out because I was still thinking about that sigh. As she was getting ready to leave the bathroom, still chattering and saying "Love you. Mom!" I quickly popped my head out of the curtain and told her to grab a small band-aide to take to her brother because I said no when I had no real reason to. I mumbled something about "I'm sorry I've been kind of grumpy and that's no reason for me to be short with you guys, especially over something so simple and small." She grabbed a band-aide and said "it's ok, mommy. We know you don't feel good and that your back hurts". Still no excuse, even if she's right about my back hurting. She also followed that with "I'll tell Alex you said sorry."
I say No, a lot. I get on my kids a lot. I expect perfection, and I'm hard on them. Most of the time, it's for a damn good reason. My son's grades for example. I expect perfect because I KNOW he's capable. Not because I have unrealistic standards, but because I have seen what he can do when he applies himself. So I'm always on him. I expect A's and the occasional B. I do NOT accept C's and D's as OK. Because I know he's better than that. I ride my kids about chores. My kids have a lot of chores. Not because I can't or won't do them, and certainly not because I want a spotless house. If I wanted a spotless house, they wouldn't have chores (because my way is the right way and dang it if they can't just do it the right way the first time and I wouldn't be redoing the things they've 'done'). They don't have a bunch of gadgets to occupy them. I won't allow it. They have books, drawing pads, colored pencils and crayons, coloring books, craft supplies, and a great big world outside to explore and play in. I say no to the crap junk food. And then when my son asks for a banana, I say no....why? Because one piece of fruit will ruin his dinner? No, one won't, but the other 3 he tries to sneak in will.
My kids have told me I say no "all the time". In some ways, this is correct. I do. But, I also say a lot of yes's, too. My oldest has this thing about hugs. He's always asking for hugs. My youngest is constantly asking for lap/cuddle time. My daughter is always asking me to braid her hair. She's also asking for me to color with her. My kids ask me for dinner. My kids ask me to help with homework (that has become increasingly more difficult for me to help with thanks to common core). They ask for a lot. But these things they ask for the most frequently involve nothing more than my time an affection, which I give freely and without hesitation.
I think all parents (grandparent's, aunts and uncles, etc) can all relate to the screwing things up, part. Saying No a lot, part. But for as much as I know I screw up, I know I've got to be doing something right, and I'll tell you why. I have amazing kids. Kids that I couldn't have gotten together with a mad scientist and told him I want "these traits and this personality and this eye color, etc". Kids that surpass my expectations every day, who blow my mind every day, who shower me in a kind of unconditional love that I don't deserve, every single day. No matter what. The last time I really came down on Alex a little while later, he climbed into my lap and snuggle in and heaved a huge sigh of contentment. For as hard as I am on them, only reflects my love for them. It reflects my desire to raise them to be responsible, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate, loving members of society. Yeah, I make my kids do their own laundry and clean up after themselves, make their beds, clean the bathroom, empty the dishwasher, etc. Why? So when they grow up and move out into the world on their own, they know how to do these things. So they won't be lazy and irresponsible. So they won't wash a red shirt with their white socks and underwear. So they can prepare a meal that doesn't require a microwave or adding hot water to a bowl of noodles. So yeah, I screw up and I say no, a lot.
But it's OK. Because I love them more than anything and in spite of my no's, there's even more yes's to the things that really count....And personally, I think that balances the scales.
For instance, Sunday, Alex came into the bathroom while I was in the shower (yes, I don't lock the door because quite frankly, with only one bathroom, it's asinine to block them from using the bathroom if I'm in the shower...If I'm in there sitting on the commode, that's another story) and he asked (he ASKED) if he could have a band-aide. I'm a firm believer in waste not, want not, and after peeking through the shower curtain to see said injury that he deemed bad enough to warrant a bandage, I quickly told him he was fine and he didn't need one. It was a scuff. It wasn't bleeding. It wasn't going to make his leg fall off.
I closed the shower curtain and got back to rinsing the conditioner out of my hair and heard him sigh.
One of those sad, little, I'm not being heard and I don't count, sighs.
He didn't throw a tantrum, which have been in abundance lately, and half of them, he doesn't even realize that he's acting out because he's frustrated and confused about the situation that he finds himself in due to divorce. But just a simple, little sigh. But that sigh spoke volumes. A few seconds later, Kassie came in to use the bathroom and she was chattering about the boys outside and what they were doing. During that time, I had kind of tuned her out because I was still thinking about that sigh. As she was getting ready to leave the bathroom, still chattering and saying "Love you. Mom!" I quickly popped my head out of the curtain and told her to grab a small band-aide to take to her brother because I said no when I had no real reason to. I mumbled something about "I'm sorry I've been kind of grumpy and that's no reason for me to be short with you guys, especially over something so simple and small." She grabbed a band-aide and said "it's ok, mommy. We know you don't feel good and that your back hurts". Still no excuse, even if she's right about my back hurting. She also followed that with "I'll tell Alex you said sorry."
I say No, a lot. I get on my kids a lot. I expect perfection, and I'm hard on them. Most of the time, it's for a damn good reason. My son's grades for example. I expect perfect because I KNOW he's capable. Not because I have unrealistic standards, but because I have seen what he can do when he applies himself. So I'm always on him. I expect A's and the occasional B. I do NOT accept C's and D's as OK. Because I know he's better than that. I ride my kids about chores. My kids have a lot of chores. Not because I can't or won't do them, and certainly not because I want a spotless house. If I wanted a spotless house, they wouldn't have chores (because my way is the right way and dang it if they can't just do it the right way the first time and I wouldn't be redoing the things they've 'done'). They don't have a bunch of gadgets to occupy them. I won't allow it. They have books, drawing pads, colored pencils and crayons, coloring books, craft supplies, and a great big world outside to explore and play in. I say no to the crap junk food. And then when my son asks for a banana, I say no....why? Because one piece of fruit will ruin his dinner? No, one won't, but the other 3 he tries to sneak in will.
My kids have told me I say no "all the time". In some ways, this is correct. I do. But, I also say a lot of yes's, too. My oldest has this thing about hugs. He's always asking for hugs. My youngest is constantly asking for lap/cuddle time. My daughter is always asking me to braid her hair. She's also asking for me to color with her. My kids ask me for dinner. My kids ask me to help with homework (that has become increasingly more difficult for me to help with thanks to common core). They ask for a lot. But these things they ask for the most frequently involve nothing more than my time an affection, which I give freely and without hesitation.
I think all parents (grandparent's, aunts and uncles, etc) can all relate to the screwing things up, part. Saying No a lot, part. But for as much as I know I screw up, I know I've got to be doing something right, and I'll tell you why. I have amazing kids. Kids that I couldn't have gotten together with a mad scientist and told him I want "these traits and this personality and this eye color, etc". Kids that surpass my expectations every day, who blow my mind every day, who shower me in a kind of unconditional love that I don't deserve, every single day. No matter what. The last time I really came down on Alex a little while later, he climbed into my lap and snuggle in and heaved a huge sigh of contentment. For as hard as I am on them, only reflects my love for them. It reflects my desire to raise them to be responsible, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate, loving members of society. Yeah, I make my kids do their own laundry and clean up after themselves, make their beds, clean the bathroom, empty the dishwasher, etc. Why? So when they grow up and move out into the world on their own, they know how to do these things. So they won't be lazy and irresponsible. So they won't wash a red shirt with their white socks and underwear. So they can prepare a meal that doesn't require a microwave or adding hot water to a bowl of noodles. So yeah, I screw up and I say no, a lot.
But it's OK. Because I love them more than anything and in spite of my no's, there's even more yes's to the things that really count....And personally, I think that balances the scales.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Where Did My Friends Go?
Today, the concept of friendship has deteriorated to posting on facebook and tagging your friends in things you know they'll like. It's been reduced to texting and twitter, hashtags and 'likes'. What's happened to my friends?
During this period of my life, my list of friends has been reduced drastically. Not because I don't want any friends. Not at all. Quite the contrary. My life is the result of a series of events that I could not predict, anticipate or desire. But it is, to be completely cliche, what it is. I cannot change what is. I'm soon to be a new divorcee who, prior to divorce had a plethora of friends. I have my "BFF's" and my buddies. I have my let's go hang and have a few drinks, sing karaoke, and play pool friends. I had my mom friends that I would get together with and our kids would play and we'd sit back and enjoy the fact that the kids were so busy playing with someone other than their siblings and they weren't bugging US. I've had a long line of friendships that have either just disappeared or deteriorated for one reason or another. My childhood best friend is still there. We've been friends for nearly 25 years. We know, or at least used to, everything about one another. I love her, I will always love her, no matter what. The fact that we are separated by nearly 800 miles plays a huge factor in how often we see each other and how often we talk. Add to that the simple fact that we are both mom's of three and have lives that revolve around something other than each other (and trust me, when we were growing up together, our lives totally revolved around one another), we don't talk often. We trade maybe a dozen texts a year, a million 'likes' and comments on facebook surrounding our kids, emails here and there, and the once in a blue moon phone call. Those are less likely and far to infrequent. But, it is what it is. It's not something that I like to view as a biproduct of our lives, but that's just a fact. Because the truth is, we're both REALLY, REALLY busy.
But lately, I've been feeling that the only REAL connections I have with people are cyber connections. My life is split into two sections right now. When I have my kids, I live with them at my aunt and uncles house because (thanks to a lay off) I can't afford my own place yet. When I'm not with my kids, I'm with my boyfriend. Aside from missing my kids and wishing they were there, there's no place I'd rather be. When I have my kids, my days are busy from sun up, till well past sundown. I get them to school, get my butt to work, pick them up, commute across the valley, get them home, get through homework, dinner, showers, laundry, cleaning, and settling in. We have good days and a lot of bad days. It takes it out of me. I'm INSANELY blessed that my Aunt and Uncle care so much and help me with them as much as they do. However, even with their help, I'm still single mom-ing it. And it's hard. When my oldest tries to be the bossy older brother, which is constant, by the way, I have to remind him (daily) that I'm right here, I can handle it (even when I don't think I can). This is a biproduct of some unfortunate situations he's been put in, and as much as I'd like to place sole blame on another party, I know I've done it too. He's the oldest. He's almost a teenager, so I sometimes tend to lean on him for support. Often times, he's doing it without my asking. He took it upon himself to be the 'man' of the house, so to speak. Recently, I really hurt my back at work. He overheard me telling my Aunt and Uncle that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 lbs. He is constantly taking things from me, if he sees me trying to lift something, or bend over, he's right there. Taking these things on himself. Offering to help. He stepped in to help me make my bed this evening. He brought in my laptop case and ordered his brother and sister to help him carry in the groceries. He is my young man and he makes me proud on a daily basis. There will be a day that I will get to tell some young woman that she is marrying a wonderful man. My youngest is having the hardest time with the divorce and as such, he acts out fairly consistently. He's defiant, argumentative, throws tantrums, and frustrates the living hell out of me. I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that this is all a result of his inability to understand, come to terms with, and accept his mother and father divorcing. To say that it's hard on kids is an understatement. It's absolutely DEVASTATING,especially for a child his age. My daughter has had her moments, her upset tantrums and when you add to that her entering the wonderful preteen stage and all the hormones and confusion about her body, that makes things even more fun. So to say that my weeks with my kids are busy is definitely an understatement.
Then we move into my weeks without the kids. These are the weeks that I chose to try to get my requirements with work met for working closing shifts and weekend hours. Add to that, the things that I want to accomplish that every parent knows are more difficult to do after work when you have three kids to drag along with you. Errands aren't a fun thing, no matter what your situation is, but they are harder, more time consuming and stressful when you have bored kids along for the ride. What should be just a 15 minute stop at the grocery store turns into 45 minutes (if you're lucky). On top of that, the selfish part of me, which is emotionally drained and exhausted after a week of single parentdom, wants to relax a little and not meet the demands of other people. I have enough demands on my time from my kids, work and the ever present worry and stress that I field from my very distant, very concerned, family, that I really honestly, just want some time to myself. Time to spend with a man that I've fallen in love with. Although their intentions are good and their worry only stems from their love for me and my children, keeping everyone in the loop becomes a stress point that I try to avoid and only address when absolutely necessary. Divorce does not touch just the people getting the divorce, but their families as well. So even when I do not have my kids with me, my life is still not a passive existence.
Now that the information is out there, I'd like to get back to the original point. I've been told from divorce veterans what to expect and what to look out for. And so far, they've yet to be wrong. People that I once thought would never leave my life, have. Because, even though they swore sides would not be chosen, they were. Primarily because I did not speak up and tell people anything contrary to what they had already been told, which was highly edited and much information was omitted that rendered him as close to guiltless as possible. The reason I did not speak out...well, frankly, I figured that it wasn't anyone else's business. Silly me. But as a result of this, I lost a friend of nearly a decade. And before you get upset over it, and while it did crush me and hurt, I realized a very important lesson. If a decade long friendship can be that easily dissolved, then was it really that strong and valuable to the other side as it was to me? If the answer is no, then in truth, I didn't lose anything except someone who wasn't what or who they claimed to be. Other friendships have dissipated as well, but not for the reasons the previously mentioned friend. I've had a couple people tell me that I'm just not invested enough into them (which at the moment, that very well may be a true statement, but there isn't enough of me to go around and I can't be in 5 places at once), or that I'm always preoccupied (again, a very true statement), or that it appears that I don't care anymore (this is much less of a true statement, in fact, quite the opposite). Many of my old friends were/are church friends. I don't go to church anymore and therefore, I do not see these individuals. Some of them, I miss greatly.
But, I have good news. Since my return to Idaho, which I love very much, I have made some wonderful friends. Individuals that I have met along my journey here that I wouldn't trade for the world. And here's the kicker. Since they found out what I was going through while I was in the middle of it, they understand and know that I'm freakin busy. They don't hold it against me if they don't hear from me for awhile. They understand that during this time in my life, I take all the "me time" I can get because to be brutally honest, this process can and will drain the very life from you if you let it. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on your family, it's hard on your friends. All for different reasons, but it's still hard. The people that I consider to be my closest friends are more or less, new friends, that I've made in the last year and a half. They met me at my absolute worst AND THEY STILL LOVE ME. Then I have a couple old friends that have remained by my side and they too understand that my life is currently, more or less, not really my own (yet). But my list of friends used to be quite long and now, as of today, it's dwindled down to a few very meaningful, fulfilling relationships. As someone recently put it, some relationships have a shelf life. Perhaps it was just time that a few of mine expired. Depending on how you look at it, this can be either a really devastating thing, or a very freeing thing. The ones that I've lost as a result of my divorce, though at first devastating is in fact, now, very freeing. Liberating. Because if the relationship needed constant upkeep, and I don't just NOT have the extra time for that, but I also don't have the extra energy for that, then it's not a relationship that I want to maintain.
Let's put it this way. Shantale has been my best friend since we were 5 years old. We grew up like sisters. Our mothers are best friends and therefore we spent A LOT of time together. Fortunately, we clicked and we were inseparable growing up. As of today, I've not spoken to her on the phone in I don't know how long. I don't even remember the last time I texted her. We don't really chat on facebook either. But we acknowledge one anothers posts, laugh about stuff we share, keep up on one anothers lives through handy dandy facebook. And for us, it works. And when we do connect, we catch up, give our families our love, tell each other "I love you", and not once has it ever crossed my mind that she doesn't really love me. I don't HAVE to put forth much into this relationship because I don't need to. The work that went into nurturing and building this relationship was already done a couple decades ago. That doesn't mean that it couldn't die. It could. But neither of us will let it. She's my sister. And I love her, regardless of what's going on in her life or mine. And I know she feels the same way. I know that the friends that have stood by my side through this will still be there when it's all said and done.
The others?
All I can say is this: Thank you for weeding yourselves out and saving me the trouble.
But lately, I've been feeling that the only REAL connections I have with people are cyber connections. My life is split into two sections right now. When I have my kids, I live with them at my aunt and uncles house because (thanks to a lay off) I can't afford my own place yet. When I'm not with my kids, I'm with my boyfriend. Aside from missing my kids and wishing they were there, there's no place I'd rather be. When I have my kids, my days are busy from sun up, till well past sundown. I get them to school, get my butt to work, pick them up, commute across the valley, get them home, get through homework, dinner, showers, laundry, cleaning, and settling in. We have good days and a lot of bad days. It takes it out of me. I'm INSANELY blessed that my Aunt and Uncle care so much and help me with them as much as they do. However, even with their help, I'm still single mom-ing it. And it's hard. When my oldest tries to be the bossy older brother, which is constant, by the way, I have to remind him (daily) that I'm right here, I can handle it (even when I don't think I can). This is a biproduct of some unfortunate situations he's been put in, and as much as I'd like to place sole blame on another party, I know I've done it too. He's the oldest. He's almost a teenager, so I sometimes tend to lean on him for support. Often times, he's doing it without my asking. He took it upon himself to be the 'man' of the house, so to speak. Recently, I really hurt my back at work. He overheard me telling my Aunt and Uncle that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 lbs. He is constantly taking things from me, if he sees me trying to lift something, or bend over, he's right there. Taking these things on himself. Offering to help. He stepped in to help me make my bed this evening. He brought in my laptop case and ordered his brother and sister to help him carry in the groceries. He is my young man and he makes me proud on a daily basis. There will be a day that I will get to tell some young woman that she is marrying a wonderful man. My youngest is having the hardest time with the divorce and as such, he acts out fairly consistently. He's defiant, argumentative, throws tantrums, and frustrates the living hell out of me. I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that this is all a result of his inability to understand, come to terms with, and accept his mother and father divorcing. To say that it's hard on kids is an understatement. It's absolutely DEVASTATING,especially for a child his age. My daughter has had her moments, her upset tantrums and when you add to that her entering the wonderful preteen stage and all the hormones and confusion about her body, that makes things even more fun. So to say that my weeks with my kids are busy is definitely an understatement.
Then we move into my weeks without the kids. These are the weeks that I chose to try to get my requirements with work met for working closing shifts and weekend hours. Add to that, the things that I want to accomplish that every parent knows are more difficult to do after work when you have three kids to drag along with you. Errands aren't a fun thing, no matter what your situation is, but they are harder, more time consuming and stressful when you have bored kids along for the ride. What should be just a 15 minute stop at the grocery store turns into 45 minutes (if you're lucky). On top of that, the selfish part of me, which is emotionally drained and exhausted after a week of single parentdom, wants to relax a little and not meet the demands of other people. I have enough demands on my time from my kids, work and the ever present worry and stress that I field from my very distant, very concerned, family, that I really honestly, just want some time to myself. Time to spend with a man that I've fallen in love with. Although their intentions are good and their worry only stems from their love for me and my children, keeping everyone in the loop becomes a stress point that I try to avoid and only address when absolutely necessary. Divorce does not touch just the people getting the divorce, but their families as well. So even when I do not have my kids with me, my life is still not a passive existence.
Now that the information is out there, I'd like to get back to the original point. I've been told from divorce veterans what to expect and what to look out for. And so far, they've yet to be wrong. People that I once thought would never leave my life, have. Because, even though they swore sides would not be chosen, they were. Primarily because I did not speak up and tell people anything contrary to what they had already been told, which was highly edited and much information was omitted that rendered him as close to guiltless as possible. The reason I did not speak out...well, frankly, I figured that it wasn't anyone else's business. Silly me. But as a result of this, I lost a friend of nearly a decade. And before you get upset over it, and while it did crush me and hurt, I realized a very important lesson. If a decade long friendship can be that easily dissolved, then was it really that strong and valuable to the other side as it was to me? If the answer is no, then in truth, I didn't lose anything except someone who wasn't what or who they claimed to be. Other friendships have dissipated as well, but not for the reasons the previously mentioned friend. I've had a couple people tell me that I'm just not invested enough into them (which at the moment, that very well may be a true statement, but there isn't enough of me to go around and I can't be in 5 places at once), or that I'm always preoccupied (again, a very true statement), or that it appears that I don't care anymore (this is much less of a true statement, in fact, quite the opposite). Many of my old friends were/are church friends. I don't go to church anymore and therefore, I do not see these individuals. Some of them, I miss greatly.
But, I have good news. Since my return to Idaho, which I love very much, I have made some wonderful friends. Individuals that I have met along my journey here that I wouldn't trade for the world. And here's the kicker. Since they found out what I was going through while I was in the middle of it, they understand and know that I'm freakin busy. They don't hold it against me if they don't hear from me for awhile. They understand that during this time in my life, I take all the "me time" I can get because to be brutally honest, this process can and will drain the very life from you if you let it. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on your family, it's hard on your friends. All for different reasons, but it's still hard. The people that I consider to be my closest friends are more or less, new friends, that I've made in the last year and a half. They met me at my absolute worst AND THEY STILL LOVE ME. Then I have a couple old friends that have remained by my side and they too understand that my life is currently, more or less, not really my own (yet). But my list of friends used to be quite long and now, as of today, it's dwindled down to a few very meaningful, fulfilling relationships. As someone recently put it, some relationships have a shelf life. Perhaps it was just time that a few of mine expired. Depending on how you look at it, this can be either a really devastating thing, or a very freeing thing. The ones that I've lost as a result of my divorce, though at first devastating is in fact, now, very freeing. Liberating. Because if the relationship needed constant upkeep, and I don't just NOT have the extra time for that, but I also don't have the extra energy for that, then it's not a relationship that I want to maintain.
Let's put it this way. Shantale has been my best friend since we were 5 years old. We grew up like sisters. Our mothers are best friends and therefore we spent A LOT of time together. Fortunately, we clicked and we were inseparable growing up. As of today, I've not spoken to her on the phone in I don't know how long. I don't even remember the last time I texted her. We don't really chat on facebook either. But we acknowledge one anothers posts, laugh about stuff we share, keep up on one anothers lives through handy dandy facebook. And for us, it works. And when we do connect, we catch up, give our families our love, tell each other "I love you", and not once has it ever crossed my mind that she doesn't really love me. I don't HAVE to put forth much into this relationship because I don't need to. The work that went into nurturing and building this relationship was already done a couple decades ago. That doesn't mean that it couldn't die. It could. But neither of us will let it. She's my sister. And I love her, regardless of what's going on in her life or mine. And I know she feels the same way. I know that the friends that have stood by my side through this will still be there when it's all said and done.
The others?
All I can say is this: Thank you for weeding yourselves out and saving me the trouble.
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Ultimate Friendship Pitfall: Divorce
Friendship is an interesting thing. We find this person and
we have something in common and we just randomly decide, yep, I like this
person. I think we'll be friends. Some friendships form over the
course of years, overcoming obstacles. I have one particular friend whom
I had to fight for our relationship. Let's just say that because of
certain social dynamics, we were forced together frequently and we are as
different in personality as we are in appearances. I'm the darker
complexion with dark eyes and hair and she's very fair with beautiful blonde
hair and blue eyes. Our personalities are just as different. I'm
the emotional, ungrounded, flighty, free spirited one. She's the
grounded, logical, centered one. But somehow, through years of talking and
struggling, something beautiful happened. We formed a friendship that I
thought would be one of those ones that I took to the grave. Not because
it came easy. I have those friendships. I have my best friend who knows
every single dark and dirty and wonderful and beautiful thing about my life,
and I know hers. She's my partner in crime. She's the one that
could destroy me but I trust explicitly. We have enough dirt on one
another that we could probably write a book and it'd get published in a heart
beat. But this previously mentioned friend and I had to literally FIGHT
to earn that friendship. Our initial differences that made it seem
impossible to form a friendship, became what made us so unique and so special.
Recently in the turbulence that is my
life, I haven't necessarily been the "best friend" that everyone
expects me to be. My personality has always been, for my friends and my
family, there is no differentiation, that if you call, I will BE THERE for you.
No excuses, no "I'm busy, I can't." Whatever it is, I
will figure out a way. I always have.
I guess I just had this unrealistic
expectation that with everything that's been going on in my life, that I
expected that my 'best friends' would understand that if I don't respond immediately,
or if some time passes before I reach out, or say anything, that they would
know, considering that even if they aren't privy to all the details, that I'm
here, I've not forgotten them or how valuable they are to me, but that things
are just really difficult right now and that my time is not always MY time.
Add to this that there is a narrative that some people are hearing that
is only one side of a story, and unfortunately for me, that side of the story
is grotesquely twisted and full of inaccuracies. I've chosen not to air
dirty laundry, to keep my life private, only those closest to me know the
truth. And this particular friend was a mutual friend, the wife of his
best friend and cousin. Essentially, not just friends, but family.
So that created another sticky situation that was difficult for me to
navigate. Just how much did this friendship surpass the family dynamic
and were they really able and capable of maintaining a friendship and
relationship with both of us, while being related to him, and I'm the ex.....?
Recently, some things have been going on
that have troubled me greatly and caused a great deal of anxiety and
frustration for not only myself, but my children as well. I decided that after
a couple months of not being actively communicative (for my own reasons, some
in my control and others not so much), to reach out and alert her to a
situation that I wasn't sure that she had been informed about. What I got
in response was a sucker punch that I never saw coming.
I'm going to edit a few things, but keep
the context true. It went something like this. Two texts. One
from me to her, and one very lengthy one from her, back to me.
"I just wanted to let you know that
if the kids have been over there recently, this lice issue has been going on
for 10 weeks now and I would encourage you to check your kids. I send
them home to him clear, they come back with new nits. I'm sorry that I haven't
been in touch, things have been really stressful and very busy, work is
demanding and my personal life is anything but stress free. I love you
both and miss you." I left it at that, and didn't hear anything back
from her until the following afternoon.
Again, I'm editing but keeping the context
true to form.
"We were told about the lice issue
but what you're saying is contrary to what he's saying about you, so it sounds
like you're not seeing eye to eye on the issue. I appreciate the concern
though. I also appreciate that you say you love and care about me but you
have not shown it at all. And I believe that there are things you've been
dishonest with me about. I think mostly you are not being honest with
yourself and are searching for something in your life...who knows what.
Maybe trying to find yourself. I do love you and care about you and
a praying for you. But it seems that you are not in a place where
you are able to offer your friendship to me. Maybe, someday that will
happen, but I don't think right now is the time for us to be friends and it
saddens me to say that, but I think you need to get things in your life figured
out before you are in a place to be my friends. Again I do wish the best
for you and you are in my prayers, I just hope you are also searching
for/with God because He loves you, will never reject or betray you and wants
good things for you. Reply on Him and He will direct your paths to great
things. I love you and wish good things for you." that's it.
Now, her response wasn't harsh, per say.
However, I find some serious flaws in it. One: she knows that I'm
in the middle of a very unpleasant divorce. I doubt she knows that he's
attempting to take my children away from me. Her husband is my ex husbands best
friend/cousin. And because of my current situation, I haven't had the
time, nor the luxury of doing anything with anyone. Even my closest
friend sees me at work in passing, but we haven't hung out in a couple months.
I don't feel like talking to people, I don't feel like answering the
endless questions on "So what's been going on in YOUR life these
days?!" And because of that, with this particular couple of friends, he's
providing all of the narrative and on top of the fact that it's missing the
other half, his half is full of lies and misinformation.
The way that text read to me was that
there were parameters to which needed to be upheld in order to be a 'good
friend'. It's interesting because, I've had one other person do this to
me. My biological grandmother did it to me too. Unless you put
forth the majority of the efforts, she wouldn't say anything to you. One
day, years ago, I got a package from her with every piece of artwork and letter
and picture that my mother and I had sent her since I was a little kid.
This hurt worse. Because I wasn't close to my biological fathers
mother. I was close to my friend. At least I thought. I
thought I was close enough to her that she would understand that I'm not
readily available at the present time. That I'm riding out the storm of
my life and that her husbands best friend takes pleasure in making my life
miserable and using my children against me. I know she doesn't know the
things he's done to me. I know she's unaware that he's hurt me, again. That
he's grabbed me hard enough to bruise me. He tells the pity me part,
leaving out the parts that paint him as the narcissist that he is.
Friday, November 28, 2014
By the Wayside
She stands to the side,
cast away
neglected like a disliked chore.
She watches by the wayside,
as her once hero
becomes a distant shadow.
She hopes from the forgotten,
that he will turn around
and see her again.
Standing there, by the wayside
forgotten, but still hopeful,
that her daddy
will turn around.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Life Really is Simple
Not really, but it sounds nice.
But, in truth, life is only as complicated as we allow it to be. In saying that, and before your blood pressure rises, allow me to explain. Life is only as complicated as we allow it to be because we are the ones who are in control of our stressors. Again, let me explain. We are not in control of what stressors we encounter, but we are in control what how we allow that to effect us. I have plenty in my life that causes stress. But I have a choice and a very important one at that. My choice is how I'm going to allow them to affect my personal output. For example, today is day two into my personal 3 day weekend in which I cashed in PTO for. However, because of certain circumstances that arose, I found myself at work resolving a few issues that had arisen because as the manager, I am the only one who is able to resolve these issues. Now, I could (and did) find myself highly annoyed at the fact that I'm at work on my day off fixing shit that shouldn't even be an issue to begin with, or realize that, hey, this kind of stuff happens and although it annoyed(s) me, I can either let that ruin my afternoon which had up until that moment been a very pleasant and enjoyable afternoon filled with zero stress, OR I could allow myself to embrace the mantra that I've been striving for: things happen. You don't always have control over the "things" that happen, but you DO have complete control over how you allow them to effect you. So, instead of allowing this hiccup in my much deserved 3 day weekend, I let it roll. I've spent a lot of time over the last year letting things roll because I have zero control over the situation at hand. I was at the mercy of the universe, so to speak. And by universe, I mean the bullshit that I had to tolerate at the hands and actions of other people that I could not control. Much of which had to do with divorce, bankruptcy, and other's being in control of when I could and could not see my children. Much has changed since then and I now have a more measurable gauge of control over the situation. There is still a lot that is not in my control and there are things that I have a small measure of control and then there are plenty of things that I have complete control over. Mainly, how I respond to things beyond my control. I have two very simple choices. I can either get completely twisted over the things beyond my control, or I can take a deep breath (whoosaaaaaaaaa) and let it go. In learning to let go, I've allowed myself to be free of the things that burden others. These things, petty, small, insignificant in light of other issues (matters of perception), are all things that when held onto, have a direct effect on my personal well being.
In truth, we really are at the mercy of other peoples actions and choices on a daily basis. But my point is very simple. Our choice is very simple on how we allow that to directly effect us. Our output, future reactions to other people, how we feel (emotionally and physically) and how we allow that influence to impact the perception that we will carry for the rest of our day.
Life is not easy. But our choices are. We can either allow others to impact us on a daily basis because of their poor choices, poor planning, poor judgement, poor attitude (they really can blame it on anything they want...I.E. such drama queens that I'm surprised that they don't come with their own outline chalk), but they are all excuses. Every single one of them.
I spent years of my life being the "see the silver lining in every situation" kind of girl. Through certain circumstances beyond my control, I found myself becoming much more cynical. More and more less trusting of the things that I used to trust without question. Not all of that is bad mind you. I trusted many people that I shouldn't have. Always thinking the best of people, WANTING to believe that people were inherently good. (Phew for growing up ;)) I'm glad to say that I've become a better judge of character in the last few years, but best of all, the lesson I've taken MOST to heart is this: I AM NOT SUBJECT TO OWNING OTHER'S BULLSHIT.
So, part of this started as something worth reading and then it turned into a little bit of a rant.
You're either going to take something from this or you're not. What I hope that some random reader will get from this is a little inspiration. You know the things that you take in and hold onto that don't belong to you. That has no business taking up space in your mind and in you heart. Things that have no business being within you. You have that power. You have that authority. You have the right to say No, I'm not going to let this take up the space in my mind...I've got my kids, my relationship, my career, my wellness, my LIFE, to take up this space.
So, regardless of whether this was a rant or something else entirely, I hope that someone, somewhere, takes something from personal experience and runs with it. Because, quite frankly, we don't have time to be wasting on other peoples bullshit.
But, in truth, life is only as complicated as we allow it to be. In saying that, and before your blood pressure rises, allow me to explain. Life is only as complicated as we allow it to be because we are the ones who are in control of our stressors. Again, let me explain. We are not in control of what stressors we encounter, but we are in control what how we allow that to effect us. I have plenty in my life that causes stress. But I have a choice and a very important one at that. My choice is how I'm going to allow them to affect my personal output. For example, today is day two into my personal 3 day weekend in which I cashed in PTO for. However, because of certain circumstances that arose, I found myself at work resolving a few issues that had arisen because as the manager, I am the only one who is able to resolve these issues. Now, I could (and did) find myself highly annoyed at the fact that I'm at work on my day off fixing shit that shouldn't even be an issue to begin with, or realize that, hey, this kind of stuff happens and although it annoyed(s) me, I can either let that ruin my afternoon which had up until that moment been a very pleasant and enjoyable afternoon filled with zero stress, OR I could allow myself to embrace the mantra that I've been striving for: things happen. You don't always have control over the "things" that happen, but you DO have complete control over how you allow them to effect you. So, instead of allowing this hiccup in my much deserved 3 day weekend, I let it roll. I've spent a lot of time over the last year letting things roll because I have zero control over the situation at hand. I was at the mercy of the universe, so to speak. And by universe, I mean the bullshit that I had to tolerate at the hands and actions of other people that I could not control. Much of which had to do with divorce, bankruptcy, and other's being in control of when I could and could not see my children. Much has changed since then and I now have a more measurable gauge of control over the situation. There is still a lot that is not in my control and there are things that I have a small measure of control and then there are plenty of things that I have complete control over. Mainly, how I respond to things beyond my control. I have two very simple choices. I can either get completely twisted over the things beyond my control, or I can take a deep breath (whoosaaaaaaaaa) and let it go. In learning to let go, I've allowed myself to be free of the things that burden others. These things, petty, small, insignificant in light of other issues (matters of perception), are all things that when held onto, have a direct effect on my personal well being.
In truth, we really are at the mercy of other peoples actions and choices on a daily basis. But my point is very simple. Our choice is very simple on how we allow that to directly effect us. Our output, future reactions to other people, how we feel (emotionally and physically) and how we allow that influence to impact the perception that we will carry for the rest of our day.
Life is not easy. But our choices are. We can either allow others to impact us on a daily basis because of their poor choices, poor planning, poor judgement, poor attitude (they really can blame it on anything they want...I.E. such drama queens that I'm surprised that they don't come with their own outline chalk), but they are all excuses. Every single one of them.
I spent years of my life being the "see the silver lining in every situation" kind of girl. Through certain circumstances beyond my control, I found myself becoming much more cynical. More and more less trusting of the things that I used to trust without question. Not all of that is bad mind you. I trusted many people that I shouldn't have. Always thinking the best of people, WANTING to believe that people were inherently good. (Phew for growing up ;)) I'm glad to say that I've become a better judge of character in the last few years, but best of all, the lesson I've taken MOST to heart is this: I AM NOT SUBJECT TO OWNING OTHER'S BULLSHIT.
So, part of this started as something worth reading and then it turned into a little bit of a rant.
You're either going to take something from this or you're not. What I hope that some random reader will get from this is a little inspiration. You know the things that you take in and hold onto that don't belong to you. That has no business taking up space in your mind and in you heart. Things that have no business being within you. You have that power. You have that authority. You have the right to say No, I'm not going to let this take up the space in my mind...I've got my kids, my relationship, my career, my wellness, my LIFE, to take up this space.
So, regardless of whether this was a rant or something else entirely, I hope that someone, somewhere, takes something from personal experience and runs with it. Because, quite frankly, we don't have time to be wasting on other peoples bullshit.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Child that Forgives
I originally wrote this in January of 2011
I often wonder at the emotional capacity of children. They love without stipulations. They laugh without hesitation. They trust without question. They forgive quickly and really do forget. It's almost like they possess super powers. They have all of these emotional abilities that adults don't. We somehow forget. My son's most amazing emotional superpower?
The ability to forgive his mother.
A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault. And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again. For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said. It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had. In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated. Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework. Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done. Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done. Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time. While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem. It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help. With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up. That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration. But what came next--now that puts me to shame. I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight". I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom." I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated. It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me. I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him. After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God. I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him. And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children. I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children. I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.
Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did. I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child, or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME". And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me. Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on. We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with. This is our chance to change that. To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are. Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone. Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream. Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school. Someone they came come to when they need help with a project. Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart. someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.
Someone they can trust will always have time for them.
I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back. But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me. It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible. But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.
A month ago, I asked my eldest son for forgiveness for 'punishing' him for weeks for something that wasn't his fault. And tomorrow, I will ask him for forgiveness again. For saying something to him tonight that I never should have said. It wasn't until after I heard his quiet "I'm sorry Mom" did I realize what I'd said and the impact those words had. In the midst of the chaos that ensues in my house from the hours of 4 until bed time (8ish) which includes homework, chores, dinner, clean up, etc (tonight also included a needed run to the grocery store), I became frustrated. Frustrated that my child was having issues with homework. Frustrated that it was taking him 2 hours to get a few things done. Frustrated that I was running out of time to get everything done in the day that needed to be done. Now ashamed, frustrated that he was taking that time. While in this flurry of frustration, my son asks for my help on a math problem. It wasn't an overly complicated problem, but he still needed my help. With a heavy sigh of frustration, I help him with the problem...which he obviously knew that I was frustrated since kids pick these things up. That would have been minor if that was the only thing I'd done...Sighing in frustration. But what came next--now that puts me to shame. I turn to walk away and I said "Bryan, I have more important things to do than put all my attention into helping you tonight". I almost didn't hear his response, "I'm sorry Mom." I should have said "No, I'm sorry" right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I continued my busy evening, still frustrated. It wasn't until later that the gravity of what I had done hit me. I told my son that I have more important things to fill my time with than him. After spending some time angry with myself and crying over my obviously bad parenting, first, I asked for forgiveness from God. I will ask my son to forgive me tomorrow and tell him that I will always have time for him. And I will never again say the words, "I don't have time for this" in regards to my children. I will tell other people, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this because I need to take the time for my children. I will remember that God always takes the time for me, that He never makes me wait for Him to finish something else that's more important than me, that He never tells me that today is a bad day for Him and He just needs some space.
Obviously, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of what I did. I share because I know that in today's world, parents- especially parents who have more than one child, or parents who work outside of the home, who are in school- are always busy, have all felt frustrated with "TIME". And if you could have heard Bryan's voice tonight, you would have slapped me. Because I know we are all guilty of telling our kids "later, not now, go find something to do, I'm busy".....and the list goes on. We're all guilty of some way or another telling our kids we are too busy to be bothered with whatever little thing they are 'bothering' us with. This is our chance to change that. To let our kids know that work, school, friends, church responsibilities, social gatherings, even precious sleep---is not more important than they are. Because right now, before they leave home (even after they leave home) is the time to let them know that they always have someone. Someone they can come to when they have a bad dream. Someone they can come to when someone is mean to them in school. Someone they came come to when they need help with a project. Someone they can come to when their first boyfriend/girlfriend breaks their heart. someone they came come to when they are frustrated with work.
Someone they can trust will always have time for them.
I heard the quiet heartbreak in those three words and Lord, I wish I could take them back. But, if anyone reading this knows Bryan even just a little, knows he will forgive me. It does not change the fact that what I did was reprehensible. But perhaps, this small testimony from one mom to another parent, will keep you from ever uttering those words and going through the heartbreak of hearing your child's broken voice saying "I'm sorry Mom" for something they should never apologize for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)